Emotional intelligence has less to do with being calm all the time and a lot more to do with refusing to let every passing feeling control your decisions.
The feeling becomes the verdict
It’s easy to go from feeling ignored to thinking that nobody respects you, and this sort of jump is the problem. Emotionally intelligent people recognize it before it takes control. Then, they ask themselves what they actually know about the situation.
Perhaps the other person was distracted, or perhaps they didn’t hear. There’s a chance that, yes, they were rude, but it’s not a guarantee. Emotionally intelligent people know that facts aren’t feelings. They’ll never let their emotions act as proof of, well, anything, really.
The guessing game
Turns out, cold replies and sighing loudly from across the kitchen don’t count as clear communication. Emotionally intelligent people understand that. They’re not going to make someone decode that sort of behavior, and somehow figure out what they want.
No, emotionally intelligent people are direct. They’ll openly say what’s wrong, even if that means stumbling over their words a bit. They know that it’s better to say how you feel, or at least try to, than to leave it for someone else to solve. People aren’t always great at reading other people’s emotions, after all.
The wrong target
You might have had a terrible day, and then someone asks you an annoying question. It doesn’t take long for them to get the full force of your mood. We’ve all been there, including emotionally intelligent people, but they’ve learned from their mistakes.
They’ll trace their emotions to their source before they pin them on whoever’s nearby. They might get angry during dinner still, but they’ll think about how it began at work six hours earlier. They connect their feelings to the right source instead of leaving them hanging.
The personal explanation
Whenever a loved one seems annoyed, our first thought is often to blame ourselves. We assume we’ve done something wrong, or that they’re mad at us. That could be true. But emotionally intelligent people know there could be another reason.
Maybe the annoyed person has a headache or missed lunch. They might’ve just slept badly. Either way, emotionally intelligent people aren’t going to center themselves in somebody else’s mood. They definitely won’t project their own feelings and expectations onto others.
The volume problem
There’s something so persuasive about strong emotions, and that’s part of what makes them so dangerous. Feeling furious means something else can feel obviously unfair. Feeling terrified means the danger feels obvious, too.
Yet not for emotionally intelligent people, as they refuse to treat that intensity as evidence. They could be completely right. That’s always possible. But they’re not going to simply assume that feeling it harder makes it truer, no matter how convincing a thought might be in the moment.
The calm-looking trap
Being calm and looking calm aren’t the same thing. You can sit there with a perfectly straight face, but on the inside, your stomach could be full of butterflies. Emotionally intelligent people recognize that, and they don’t treat suppressing emotions as good emotional control.
No, they’ll try reappraising their feelings instead. They’ll change how they think about the situation itself, rather than trying to bury it deep inside.
The easy apology
Saying sorry might end an argument. It could also mean almost nothing at all. Emotionally intelligent people are far less likely to apologize, simply to stop the uncomfortable part. Instead, they’ll name what they did wrong and apologize for that.
Their apologies focus on specifically acknowledging the problem and taking responsibility. You can trust that, when they apologize, it’s real. A vague ‘sorry for everything’ just isn’t their style, even though it might calm the rest of the room.
The emergency exit
Jealousy and awkwardness sure are uncomfortable feelings. You might expect emotionally intelligent people to avoid them entirely, but no. That’s not their thing. They’ll sit with these sorts of uncomfortable feelings without immediately trying to make them vanish.
They’ll allow themselves to feel lousy for a bit and then deal with it. Sometimes they might distract themselves, and sometimes they might talk about them. Whatever they do, they’re not going to avoid these feelings. They’ll accept their presence to stop their feelings from taking over.
The agreement mix-up
One of the most important things these people never do is mix up understanding someone with agreeing with them. Emotionally intelligent people can understand why someone’s angry while still thinking that person’s version of events is wrong.
They’ve got a strong sense of empathy, and a good understanding of it. They know that empathy only involves understanding another person’s feelings or perspective. It doesn’t involve having the same opinion. Yes, these people never muddle these two ideas up.
The permanent answer
Some decisions make perfect sense at midnight when you’re tired, but then they look completely different in the morning over coffee. Emotionally intelligent people know that. They understand that anger and fear can make ‘right now’ feel much bigger than it really is.
So, they won’t trust themselves to make a permanent choice while they’re still feeling strong emotions. They may write the message and save it. But they certainly won’t send it, not until they’ve calmed down, anyway.
The one-setting assumption
There are some people who need to talk everything out immediately. Then there are those who go quiet and think for an hour before finally figuring out what they actually feel. Emotionally intelligent people are fine with either.
They’re not going to expect everyone else to process emotions in the same way that they do. That’d just be unrealistic. They get that, actually, their own way of dealing with emotions is exactly that, their own way. They’ll let others have their space to process their feelings how they need to.
The private script
A short ‘okay’ could mean seventeen different things, depending on how you read it. Emotionally intelligent people are aware of that. The difference with them, though, is that they won’t assume they can accurately read someone’s mind and apply one of those meanings without asking.
They’re not going to turn their assumptions about someone’s feelings into a fact. They know it’s much better to simply ask about what’s going on.
Sources: Please see here for a complete listing of all sources that were consulted in the preparation of this article.
People with high emotional intelligence accept these 10 hard truths early in life, says expert
While some people learn the emotional rules of life the slow and hard way, other people catch on pretty early, and that’s why they’re so emotionally intelligent.
People with high emotional intelligence accept these 10 hard truths early in life, says expert
