Fawning can look so much like being kind, helpful, and easygoing that you may not realize you’re doing it at all.
Your anger arrives late
You’ve had an awkward interaction, and you reassure yourself that everything is okay. Hours later, maybe when you’re by yourself, you snap into feeling angry/hurt/resentful. In the heat of the moment, you needed to keep the peace, so you shoved those feelings aside.
Now that you’re in a safer place, those feelings have space to surface. Continually realizing your true feelings hours after an interaction may be a sign you’re burying them around others.
The apology appears anyway
You say sorry when someone brushes past you. You apologize for being tired or needing assistance or taking a long time to answer or having an opinion someone else doesn’t like.
Over time, the word sorry starts to lose meaning as a response to actual transgressions and becomes more about making yourself appear non-threatening and accommodating.
Downgrading what you need
You don’t just ask. You qualify your request the moment you make it. “If you’re not busy.” “It’s no big deal.” “Never mind if you’re busy.” Other times you retract your request before it’s fully out of your mouth.
Being courteous is understandable; constantly giving people an out before they even have a chance to answer can just imply that the act of asking someone to do something for you feels embarrassing.
Taking responsibility for others’ moods
Someone you care about is distressed, and you instantly feel it’s your job to remedy that, even if what’s got them down isn’t remotely your fault. You go out of your way to be agreeable, do favors, tell jokes, or tiptoe around until they’re smiling.
Someone else’s disappointment actually kind of hurts. You can’t stand for another person to feel a negative feeling, so you find yourself trying to fix it for them.
Shifts in personality
With one person, you’re outspoken, but with another you’re excessively nice. Your feelings towards restaurants, movies, politics, hobbies or weekend plans begin to subtly shift based on who’s across from you at the table.
Most people mold themselves to fit social situations to some extent. But fawning can take it a step further. You may unconsciously start mimicking someone else’s likes because it’s safe.
Anger makes you nicer
Someone snaps at you, and rather than getting angry yourself, you suddenly find yourself nicer than usual. Your voice becomes softer. You smile. You reassure them or even find yourself agreeing or complimenting them.
This may be an appeasement response: instead of standing up to the perceived threat or walking away right away, your instinct kicks in to minimise it by becoming as inoffensive and pleasing to them as possible.
Hiding inconveniences
Last-minute plans change, and someone ruins your entire day. You do everything you can to ensure they never find out. “No problem!” you say, though you reschedule and cancel things you were looking forward to.
The problem isn’t bending over backwards for someone every once in a while. It’s feeling the need to hide that bending over backwards ruined your schedule at all. Because admitting that makes you feel like you’re making them feel guilty.
You need permission first
You know what you want, but you still seek validation. You ask if it’s alright to leave early, order something else, change your plans, spend your own money, or make a decision that nobody else gets to approve.
Seeking reassurance feels better than just doing what you want. The more you do it, the harder it can be to know what you want when everyone else’s approval is at stake.
Compliments feel strategic
Occasionally you find yourself complimenting someone not because the thought of complimenting them came to mind, but because you can feel tension in the air and you want to ease up on them. Maybe they’re looking irritated, so you tell them they look nice.
Compliments turn into little white flags of surrender that you wave to avoid arguments. Sometimes you don’t even realize you’re doing it. You may not even consciously know you’re doing it.
Being “easy” becomes important
You pride yourself on being easy to please. When your order is messed up, you don’t complain. You happily accept inconvenient plans. You seldom ask anyone to go out of their way for you. You might even feel embarrassed when someone does something special for you.
Being flexible is an admirable trait. But there is a difference between being easygoing and thinking that needing things makes you needy. Fawning can masquerade as being a person who never causes trouble.
Rehearsing the smallest requests
Before you ask someone to do you a favor, return a favor they did you, or stop doing something that bothers you, you rehearse the conversation many times in your head. You look for ways to word it as nicely as possible. You imagine every possible response and prepare explanations as to why what you’re asking is fair.
By the time you actually talk to them, setting a simple boundary has become preparing for a peace treaty negotiation. If you find yourself doing all that prep work, that can be a sign you’re not just trying to be polite. You’re trying to make absolutely sure they don’t become offended by you.
Like our content? Be sure to follow us.
14 ways people flirt that don’t look like flirting
You might think someone is simply being friendly, but some small behaviors can sometimes suggest something more.
