You become a grandparent, your life turns upside down in a good way: there’s so much excitement and anticipation to take care of the baby. We’ve asked parents and grandparents about the most common mistakes that cause lasting conflict. Many of them come from love and good intentions, but hurt feelings or long-term issues can arise if you don’t address them. Avoid these common mistakes to build strong, lasting relationships with your grandkids and their parents.
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Taking “firsts” away from parents
Parents look forward to the “firsts”: first haircut, first Halloween costume, first trip to the zoo or park. If you take a grandchild to those places without checking with the parents, you risk taking from the moments they’ve anticipated for a long time. Always ask before making special plans with the grandchildren.
Trying to fix old parenting regrets
Some grandparents want to overcompensate with the grandkids for regrets or mistakes they think they made as parents. If they were too strict with their own kids, they may be too lax with the grandkids. These approaches almost always backfire, confusing the children and reopening old wounds for the parents.
Ignoring updated safety rules
Just because something “worked fine” when you were raising your kids doesn’t mean it’s still safe. Car seats, allergy guidelines and baby sleep rules, for instance, have all been updated with parents’ and children’s safety in mind. Ignoring these changes puts your grandchild at risk and can shake the parents’ trust in you.
Rewriting the past
Memories of family history are great fun, but if you embellish them to seem “more heroic” or to make someone else the “villain” in the story, you’re setting yourself up for problems. Children grow up believing these tales, and if you’re the perpetual “good one” and their parents are painted as “difficult” or “demanding,” there will be resentment.
Forgetting your adult child still needs you
It’s easy to get so wrapped up in the new baby that your relationship with your own child falls to the wayside a bit. While it’s important to focus on the new little person in your life, that doesn’t mean your own child no longer needs you. They are also going through the stress and anxiety of parenthood for the first time and may still need help, reassurance, advice, or, at the very least, a listening ear.
Giving financial help without clear boundaries
It’s nice to be able to pay for your grandkids’ college or family trips, but if you don’t set clear guidelines, parents might feel stuck maintaining an expensive lifestyle they can’t afford alone. So be crystal clear if you are offering a gift for a one-time thing or open-ended support.
Going behind parents’ backs with doctors and schools
Taking a child to the doctor, meeting teachers directly, or altering medication routines without parental consent constitutes crossing boundaries. Even with the best of intentions, it can cause the parents to feel as if they can no longer trust your judgment.
Competing with other grandparents
Blended families can lead to competing grandparents. You buy bigger gifts, plan flashier parties, drive your child and their partner crazy with outbursts about the “other” grandparents, and inadvertently pit kids against one another. This turns each family function into a stressful occasion for all involved, and also makes the kids feel like they need to choose sides.
Correcting parents in front of others
If you have a parenting difference of opinion with your adult child, don’t bring it up in front of other people, especially not the children. Public reminders embarrass parents and make them feel criticized and ineffective in their role. If something requires attention, discuss it in a low-key, private setting.
Posting without permission
Before posting photos or news about your grandkids online, always get their parents’ permission. Parents today are a lot more sensitive about privacy issues and digital safety; you can never be too careful, and a post you think is innocuous might cross some serious boundaries in their eyes.
Keeping secrets from the parents
Saying “Don’t tell Mom and Dad” when letting your grandchild stay up late or have candy after bed seems okay at first, but it becomes burdensome as children learn to depend on you to keep secrets. Not only does it put them in the precarious situation of hiding things from their parents, but it can also cause major trust issues to develop in the family.
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