You’re a parent and you want the best for your children – no matter their age. I’ve caught myself saying things to my own children with good intentions – only to realize later that my words didn’t land the way I thought they would. There is a fine line between guiding them & respecting their independence.
Even well-intentioned things can sting or come off as rude. If you’ve ever wondered why a conversation turned them away, these snippets may be the answer.
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“Are You Sure That’s a Good Idea?”
You might want to ask this when you worry about them making decisions, but it sounds like you are asking whether they are capable of making decisions. Far from being supportive, it can sound suspicious. A better expression of concern would be to inquire how they are going to deal with it, which reflects curiosity & trust in their judgement.
“When I Was Your Age, I Already Had [Two Cars]”
Sharing your story may seem like an attempt to make connections, but comparison can make them feel inferior. It doesn’t take into account the ways in which time & place can influence one’s destiny. Instead, celebrate what they’ve accomplished & acknowledge the struggles they are dealing with today.
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“Why Don’t You Just Do It Like This?”
Jumping in with a solution might seem dismissive of the work they have already done. Perhaps it sounds like you aren’t really trusting them to work it out. Better to ask them what they’ve tried or whether they want your opinion.
“You’re So Sensitive Sometimes”
Not to acknowledge their sensitivity is like denying their feelings. What sounds like an observation to you can sound like a critique to them. Rather, validate their emotions & tell them that it’s ok to feel the way they do.
“You’d Be So Much Happier If You [ Changed Careers ]”
You may be trying to do what you think is best, but they still will feel that what they are doing is not enough. Happiness is so individual & when you ask them to do something it will seem like you’re trying to impose your values on them. Instead, look at what already makes them happy & encourage that.
“I’m Just Trying to Help You”
When paired with unsolicited advice, this phrase can feel overbearing. Although you mean to help, you may come across as not believing they are capable enough. Rather, ask them first if they want you to help them out.
“You’ll Understand When You’re Older”
That can sound dismissive as if their position right now doesn’t matter or isn’t worth considering. Rather than shutting down the conversation, try explaining your position to them in a way that they can understand today.
“I’m Worried About You”
I know you worry about your kids, but worrying about them over & over can seem like you don’t trust them. As a result, they will feel like they’re failing you.
“You’d Be So Much Better Off If You Listened to Me”
Even if your guidance was good, if you say they didn’t follow it, it’s more like an “I told you so.” You are just pointing at past failures rather than supporting them now. Be present & try to see where they are right now.
“Don’t You Think It’s Time You Settled Down?”
This type of question makes them feel rushed & pressured, even if they’re already happy where they are right now. There is no universal clock & pushing them makes them feel squeezed & creates extra anxiety.
Disclaimer: This list is solely the author’s opinion based on research and publicly available information.
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