They’re not rude, not difficult, and not impossible to like, but there’s a reason they never seem to have more than a handful of friends.
The first move rarely comes
Some of the nicest people rarely ever make the first move to start a friendship. They will gladly chat when someone else approaches them. But they don’t often reach out first with a message, ask to meet up, or invite someone into their home.
Some take their lack of initiative as a sign that the person isn’t interested when that may not be the case. Eventually, good friendships never have a chance to get started.
The circle has a narrow door
They can be friendly and open without ever allowing others to become truly close to them. They take their time trusting people, particularly if they’ve been let down by people in the past. They often need significant time and stability before they trust someone as safe. Thus, they can know lots of people but still have very few close friends.
They don’t join the complaining
Oddly enough, a lot of bonding occurs over complaining: about the boss, another relative, a neighbour, or whoever else is in the group. Kind people who don’t like gossip or enjoy complaining about others may clam up or change the subject. That’s admirable, except that it leaves them out of some bonding that occurs when grievances are shared.
Home keeps winning
Some people genuinely like being by themselves. Hanging out alone on Friday night isn’t inherently a bad thing. Left to their own devices, they might choose hanging at home over going out every time. Sadly, friendships are often cultivated through repeated activities, not goodwill. Reject enough invitations, and eventually you will stop receiving them.
Small talk runs out quickly
They’re not necessarily bad conversationalists; they just tune out when things stay shallow for too long. They’d much rather talk about some strange concept, personal story, or something that actually means something than continue mingling niceties back and forth. The issue is most friendships start off with that shallow talk. Most friendships have to start with small talk, though, so some relationships never get that far.
They disappear between meetings
Face-to-face, they’re attentive, loving and fully there, but once gone, they can disappear for weeks and not know anyone’s upset. Because they don’t always gauge friendships on texting, calling, or seeing each other frequently, long stretches of time aren’t unusual for them. The other person, however, can interpret that silence in the complete opposite way.
Their social battery has limits
Spend a whole day surrounded by coworkers, customers, or otherwise spending time with people, and they may find themselves drained of energy to socialize later. They might truly want to go to dinner and feel immense relief when it gets cancelled. This isn’t always antisocialness or anxiety. Some people need more alone time to recharge.
They notice when things feel one-sided
Kindness does not always entail putting up with one-sided friendships. They realize when they’re always the listener or always the helper or always the one making plans/contact. When someone takes advantage of their generosity, they may scale back slowly instead of having a dramatic confrontation. It safeguards them from being taken advantage of, but it also slowly shrinks their circle.
They skip the second invitation
If someone turns down an invitation one or two times, they may think that person just isn’t interested and stop asking. No one wants to push people around or look needy, so backing down can seem polite. However, people turn down invites for dozens of reasons that have nothing to do with friendship. Potential friendships go away just because neither person wants to seem like a bother.
Nobody knows they’re struggling
Friends usually rely on them when something bad happens, but they themselves rarely return the favour. They might bottle it when they’re having a hard time instead of picking up the phone and talking. Friends view them as independent and resilient and don’t think they need help either. Relationships can go on extremely one-sided without those shared vulnerable moments.
They don’t collect people
Some people maintain friendships because of history, even if they don’t really enjoy each other’s company anymore. Others are quicker to realize that a friendship has run its course naturally. They’re not necessarily falling out or mad at each other; they’re just not forcing a friendship that only exists because it began years prior. Being okay with letting old friendships die down like that can leave them with fewer, but more relevant, friendships.
Independence becomes a habit
Independent people rarely take the time to ask a friend for help. They solve problems alone, go places by themselves, make decisions without anyone else, and learn how to console themselves when life gets difficult.
Being independent is great, but leaning on someone and letting them help you builds intimacy with that person. If you never allow anyone to be there for you, you limit your friendships to shallower levels than you know.
Groups aren’t their best setting
Put them with one or two others, and they may thrive. Throw them in a boisterous group of fifteen, and they can suddenly become the most silent person in the room. Group conversation favours those who jump right in, interrupt now and then, and fight for attention. Not everyone has those qualities, and so they may have one or two great friends their whole life without ever being social.
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12 signs you are being taken for granted by friends, according to psychology
