The signs that a friend’s taking you for granted aren’t usually that obvious, but rather, they’re a series of ‘harmless’ moments that show you’re doing a lot of the friendship by yourself.
Being dependable has become your default setting
You might realize that you’re the one who actually shows up all the time. Whenever someone needs a ride, you’re there, and when someone’s going through a bad breakup, you’re ready to help them through it. That’s not really a problem.
What is an issue, however, is when nobody seems particularly grateful anymore. They assume that you’re going to help them, rather than seeing it as a kind gesture. They’ve stopped noticing your actions because they expect them. They don’t see the effort behind it anymore.
One missing favor gets a lot of attention
Saying ‘yes’ twenty times doesn’t get a reaction, and people hardly even register that you’ve done something. It’s a different story when you say ‘no’ one time. Now it’s a whole ordeal, and you have to explain why you can’t do something. You have to justify your choice.
The truth is, your help has become part of what your friends expect, rather than something they think is optional. All those times you came through taught them something. You’ll be there for them all the time, so the one time you don’t, everybody notices.
Somehow, you keep everything moving
Try being less involved in the friendship and see what happens. You don’t have to quit talking to them or anything, just stop being the person who starts every conversation and suggests every hangout. You might notice things seem to go very quiet. That’s pretty telling.
It shows you that, actually, you’re the one who has to manage the friendship, and your friend takes you for granted. They assume you’ll always be there to talk to and offer support. In other words, they treat you as the unpaid social secretary, and it’s pretty unfair.
You’re offered whatever time remains
Some invitations don’t exactly feel like invitations. You know the kind, they’re the ones where someone says something like ‘I’ve got 45 minutes Thursday if you want to grab coffee.’ Perhaps they’ll send you a last-minute message after somebody else apparently dropped out. How kind.
It’s totally normal for life to get messy sometimes because, hey, that’s life. But your friends shouldn’t keep trying to fit you into whatever scraps of time they have left. You’re not really making plans together when that happens.Â
Everyone assumes you’ll cope
It sounds nice being ‘the strong one.’ But there’s a dark side to it, as it means nobody checks whether you’re actually okay, and they assume that you’ll be fine. It doesn’t matter that work is awful and your family is stressing you out. No, their response is simply, ‘You’ll be fine.’
Maybe you will be fine, but that’s not the important part here. It’s the fact that they don’t try to understand or even care about your problems. They take you for granted and, deep down, probably don’t care about you very much.
Your story disappears after you tell it
The reactions to stories are quite different. Whenever your friend mentions some exciting news, you’re ready and willing to ask them questions. You’re engaged. But when you do the same, there’s nothing at all, no reaction whatsoever.
No follow-up and no question of what happened next. It goes beyond regular forgetfulness and becomes more of a deliberate choice to not care about things that happened. They’re not listening and not really invested in your life. That hurts.
Casual people seem more likely to thank you
Look at how strangers react. You might recognize that they become more appreciative than a close friend does. For example, you help an acquaintance with something tiny, and they give you three thank-yous. But you barely get a nod after helping your friend move furniture.
They’re just expecting you to be there to help them with their errands because, in all honesty, they don’t think very much of you. You’re someone who’s going to help them. They feel like they don’t need to show you any gratitude.
Your calendar gets treated like shared property
Nobody asked you about your calendar, and whether you’re actually free on a certain day. No, they just assumed you’ll be there to help out, and they’ll volunteer your time without you saying anything. They’ll volunteer your effort like it’s their own.
You have the ability to ‘just help quickly,’ apparently, and they’re counting on that. The truth is, being generous isn’t the same as having other people assign your generosity for you. There’s a big difference. A true friend should understand that.Â
Decisions happen before you enter the conversation
Here’s a tricky one. You did, technically, get invited, so you might not immediately notice the problem in the situation. But pay attention. Turns out that the restaurant and date were chosen without your input. Everyone had already discussed the whole thing before they remembered to message you.Â
It feels like you’re included, but at the same time, it’s only ever an afterthought. That’s not right. Your friends should want to consult you now and again about plans. It’s only fair that way, and that’s the truth.
‘Are you free?’ replaces ‘How are you?’
Don’t get things confused, there’s a big difference between a friend wanting to talk to you and wanting something from you. It’s not hard to spot. They start every message asking about your availability, not your feelings.
It’s almost like each conversation has to involve a request that they, apparently, can’t do without you. A real friend should check in with your feelings. When a friend doesn’t, well, they’re not really your friend then.
Creating boundaries gets treated like the new you
The thing is, your friend may not outwardly dislike the boundary. They just act like you’ve become a completely different person for creating boundaries, even though boundaries are completely healthy.Â
They’ll say that you’re ‘different lately’ because you’re not at their beck-and-call. It’s because they’ve become too used to you saying yes, so even a normal limit feels a lot bigger to them. The boundary is new to them, but their expectation of unlimited access isn’t.
You shrink the request before anyone hears it
The way you behave also tells you a lot about how your friends treat you. You might find that you completely avoid trying to ask them for favors, or you start bargaining with yourself when you do. You shrink your requests to make them as small as possible.
You ask for half of what you really need and add three apologies so nobody thinks you’re being difficult. Yet that same friend will happily ask you for a two-hour favor with short notice. It’s a form of self-silencing, and it’s pretty unreasonable.
Sources: Please see here for a complete listing of all sources that were consulted in the preparation of this article.
People who slowly lose all their friends usually have these 8 habits
People don’t lose their friends in one single moment, but instead, they lose them slowly because of these eight habits.
People who slowly lose all their friends usually have these 8 habits
