Our parents can become a little more sensitive to the way we speak to them as they get older. We forget that there are some words that are offensive or that make them feel weak.
It’s so simple to say something without thinking. But words have more power than we realize. Your words might unknowingly hurt your elderly parents and make them feel bad. Here are a few phrases elderly parents are probably sick of hiring, and some suggestions for how to go about it in a more thoughtful manner.
“You’re Too Old for That”
You may be trying to keep them safe. But “You’re too old for that” feels like you’re making them look weak. It can leave them feeling like babies.
Most older parents want to be able to handle themselves. So you shouldn’t make them feel like they can’t do anything.
“You Shouldn’t Be Driving”
Driving can be a huge part of someone’s independence. They’ll probably feel a little bit hurt or like they no longer control their lives if you tell them they should not be driving.
Rather than just tell them this, talk about other options they can take. Or offer help with driving if needed.
“You Told Me That Already”
If your parent is saying the same thing again and again, that’s either because they don’t remember or because it means something to them.
If you say, “You told me that already,” you sound irritable and dismissive. Rather, just take the time to listen (even if you think you’ve heard it before) and treat them with respect.
“You’re Just Being Difficult”
When you tell your parents that they’re being difficult, they might feel that their opinions or desires don’t matter. Older people might be less able to articulate themselves, or simply more set in their ways.
To call them difficult is to deny what they feel, and it creates tension. The better solution is to recognize what they are upset about and find a solution.
“You Need to Lose Weight”
Body weight is a sensitive topic for most people. This is especially true for older adults, particularly if they’ve been dealing with an overweight body for a long time. They might feel embarrassed or insecure if you tell them to lose weight.
A more appropriate strategy for health might be to talk with them about better eating habits or encouraging them to engage in an activity they like.
“You Should Take Better Care of Yourself”
This is a phrase that can sound accusatory not supportive. Older parents may already recognize they would be better off. But they feel helpless because they are old or sick.
Instead, provide them with specific assistance, such as accompanying them to the doctor’s office or making them healthy meals.
“Stop Being So Negative”
People may become lonely or frustrated with age, or may have dealt with loss in ways others can’t comprehend. If you tell them not to feel negative, you’re undermining their feelings. Instead of denying what they are feeling, give them empathy so they can feel heard.
“You Don’t Need That Many Medications”
Medication is a delicate issue for older parents. They might already be so overwhelmed by prescriptions.
When you tell them they don’t need some medications, you might give them the impression that you are judging them or their decisions. Better to get them to keep a journal of their medications or bring up concerns with their physician.
“Why Do You Need That?”
If your parent gets something or wants something you don’t need, asking them “Why do you need that?” might come off as judgmental. Keep in mind that some of these things might be a source of comfort, pleasure or self-sufficiency for elderly parents. Don’t get angry at them; get to know why.
“I’ll Do It For You”
You might be trying to help, but when you tell your elderly parent, “I’ll do it for you,” they feel powerless. Make them try it for themselves and provide support when (and if) necessary.
Accept that they want to remain independent and provide them with support without making them feel that they’re not capable.
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