Looking back on my childhood, it’s clear that my parents had their own style of raising kids that was filled with strict rules & unspoken expectations. Mom and Dad might’ve meant well—but some of their approaches didn’t sit right with me. Here are twelve ways my parents raised me that I’ve decided not to pass on to my children. There are definitely things I’ll do differently because I want my kids to have a better life.
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Keeping Family Matters Private to a Fault
Growing up, airing any family problems was a big no-no and whenever my parents fought or if there were issues at home, my parents expected me to keep it to myself. It made it hard to talk to friends or counselors when I needed support—definitely not how I want my kids to feel. Instead, I help them know they’re able to reach out to trusted people when they’re going through a hard time because it’s important they don’t feel alone.
Enforcing Silence During Meals
Growing up, dinner time was like a silent film because if any of us wanted to talk about our day at school, Dad would immediately shush us. We were expected to eat in complete silence, focusing solely on the food, which turned what could’ve been a bonding experience into a stiff ritual. But now, I want meals to be lively & full of conversation—everyone should feel comfortable sharing stories.
Prioritizing Chores Over Play
At home, there was always another chore to do before we could even think about having fun and Saturdays were especially tough—I’d watch my friends ride their bikes outside while I was stuck cleaning the garage or mowing the lawn. By the time I finished, the day was half over, which is why I now believe in finding a better balance between responsibilities & enjoyment. I want my kids to learn the value of hard work without missing out on being kids.
Discouraging Creative Interests
I loved doodling superheroes & writing short stories when I was younger—but whenever my parents saw me with a sketchpad or notebook, they’d tell me to focus on “real” studies like math. They thought art was a distraction from important subjects & that’s why I remember hiding my drawings under my bed. With my own kids, I encourage them to always stretch their creative muscle through painting, music or writing.
Controlling Future Career Choices
Likewise, my parents always talked about me becoming a doctor or an engineer, even when I said I was interested in teaching—they said it was impractical. It felt like my own dreams didn’t matter and that’s why I want my kids to follow their passions. Their happiness is what’s most important to me and as long as they’re doing what they want, that’s fine by me.
Imposing Strict Bedtimes Without Flexibility
The rule was lights out at 8 p.m., regardless of whether it was a Friday night, Christmas Eve—even if there was a meteor shower outside. I had to be in bed on time. But with my kids, I want to be more flexible and whenever there’s something special happening, it’s okay for bedtime to wait a little. Making memories is far more important than following strict schedules.
Limiting Friendships Based on Parental Approval
My parents insisted on knowing everything about any new friends that I made and if they didn’t like something—maybe the other kid’s grades weren’t great or their parents had different beliefs—they’d forbid me from hanging out with them. It was frustrating & sometimes lonely and that’s why I trust that my children will choose their friends wisely. Unless there’s a real concern, I won’t interfere with their social circles because I want them to just be happy.
Avoiding Discussions About Difficult Topics
We never talked about feelings in our family and that meant that I felt I could never share any heartbreak with my parents—they avoided any “heavy” conversations. It made me feel alone during those difficult times and that’s certainly not something I want for my children. Instead, we have open lines of communication and they know I’m here to listen without judgment.
Using Comparisons as Motivation
Anytime I came home with a B on a test, my parents would ask why I didn’t get an A like my cousins—they thought comparing me to others would push me to do better. Instead, it just made me feel like I wasn’t good enough and it taught me exactly what I want my kids to know. I’ll celebrate their achievements & support them when they struggle, without measuring them against someone else.
Enforcing Gender Roles
My sister was interested in taking up woodworking at one point yet my parents said it wasn’t suitable for girls—they pushed her toward activities they saw as more appropriate, like ballet or piano lessons. It was both limiting & unfair so I won’t impose these outdated gender roles on my kids. I’m not fussed if my daughter wants to play drums or my son wants to dance because I’ll support them wholeheartedly.
Punishing Mistakes Harshly
Breaking a dish would get me grounded for a week while forgetting to do a homework assignment would lead to no TV for a month—my parents were strict when it came to mistakes. It made me far more anxious about messing up so I want to take a different approach with my kids. We talk about what happened and how to do better next time because mistakes are part of learning.
Dismissing Feelings as Overreactions
Being upset about something at school would lead to my parents saying something like, “You’re just being dramatic” or “Get over it” and that made me feel like my feelings didn’t matter. I want my children to know that it’s okay to feel angry or sad because I’ll listen & support them. Essentially, I help them understand their emotions instead of brushing them aside.
Disclaimer: This list is solely the author’s opinion based on research and publicly available information.
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