It’s no secret that communicating with teenagers is hard because they’re figuring out who they are—and our words usually have a big impact on them. We might say things without realizing that these words could cause issues or even hurt our teen’s feelings. But it’s not all bad news. Here are eighteen things you might want to avoid saying to a teen. Hopefully, by being mindful of how we speak, we’ll be able to build stronger relationships and support them better.
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“You need to toughen up.”
Everybody’s emotions are valid and you should never tell anyone, especially not a teen, “You need to toughen up” because it’ll make them bottle up their feelings. Over time, suppressing emotions will likely take a toll on their mental health that nobody should have to go through. Give them your support and acknowledge that it’s okay for them to feel overwhelmed—this could help them develop healthier coping mechanisms.
“That music you listen to is just noise.”
You wouldn’t want someone to tell you, “That music you listen to is just noise,” so why do it to your teen? Music is a big part of their identity and criticizing it might make them feel judged while also creating a rift between you. They may start thinking you don’t understand them at all, so you’re better off asking what they like about the band or artist. You might find something in common—or at least appreciate why it’s meaningful to them.
“You’ll thank me for this later.”
Saying “You’ll thank me for this later” might seem reassuring to you but it comes off as dismissive to your teen. If they’re upset about a decision you’ve made—like enforcing a curfew or limiting screen time—they’ll believe their feelings don’t matter, so you should avoid using this phrase. Try explaining your reasoning to help them understand your point of view, even if they don’t agree right now.
“Your problems aren’t real problems.”
Minimizing their struggles by saying, “Your problems aren’t real problems,” will cause your teen to feel alone because their problems are important to them. Dismissing their concerns is only going to stop them from opening up about any problems they have—try offering a sympathetic ear instead. You could also tell them you understand their feelings to make a difference in how they cope with challenges.
“When I was your age, I had my entire future planned out.”
Saying, “When I was your age, I had my entire future planned out” puts a lot of pressure on a teenager and they might feel overwhelmed because they don’t have a clear plan yet. Teens today have to deal with different challenges, like fast-paced technological changes & new social pressures—this comment might make them anxious about their own path. They’ll start feeling like they’re falling behind, even though everyone’s journey is different.
“You’re too young to understand real problems.”
Telling a teen, “You’re too young to understand real problems,” is only going to make them feel like you’re dismissing them because what seems minor to you might be a big deal to them. They have their own problems to deal with, like friends or stress from schoolwork, so such a remark might cause them to feel unheard. In the future, they’ll become less likely to share their feelings and it becomes harder for them to come to you for support when they need it.
“You don’t know what stress is.”
Likewise, it’s not nice to say, “You don’t know what stress is” to a teenager because it makes them feel invalidated, as they also have to deal with stress. Such a comment could prevent them from opening up about their problems because they’ll think their feelings aren’t important. In fact, they might bottle up their emotions—that leads to increased anxiety & depression.
“Why can’t you be more like your sibling?”
Comparing your teen to a brother or sister by saying, “Why can’t you be more like your sibling?” hurts their self-esteem—each person is unique and teens are no different. This comment might make them feel inadequate, which could make them resent you and even create tension in the family. They might start believing that no matter what they do, they’ll never be good enough and that has lasting effects on their confidence.
“That hobby won’t get you anywhere in life.”
Dismissing a teen’s interests seriously affects their enthusiasm and that’s why you should avoid saying something like, “That hobby won’t get you anywhere in life.” Doing hobbies makes everyone happy and may help develop valuable skills, even if they don’t lead to a career. As such, telling teens that their hobbies are pointless might make them feel discouraged & less motivated to pursue their passions.
“You spend too much time with your friends.”
You’ll only make a teen feel isolated when you say, “You spend too much time with your friends,” because it suggests that the time they spend with friends is wrong. Social connections are important during the teen years since they help them develop social skills & a sense of belonging. Saying a remark like this could strain your relationship with them and make them think you don’t value their social life, so they might start hiding things from you or spend even less time at home.
“You should smile more – you’d look prettier.”
Telling a teen to smile more will strike a nerve with them because they’ll feel like their natural expression isn’t good enough—which creates all sorts of insecurities. Rather than focusing on their looks, try appreciating their talents or achievements, such as them scoring higher on a math test than they expected. Talking about these accomplishments helps with their confidence much more than comments about their appearance ever will.
“You shouldn’t wear that outfit.”
But it doesn’t stop at smiling because commenting negatively on their clothing choices by saying, “You shouldn’t wear that outfit,” will affect their self-esteem for the worse. Unless there’s a real concern, telling them not to wear something could make them feel insecure and they might start doubting their ability to make decisions about their own appearance. Try allowing them to express themselves through fashion to help them develop individuality & confidence.
“It’s just a phase you’re going through.”
Dismissing a teen’s interests or feelings by saying, “It’s just a phase you’re going through” makes them feel like you’re not taking them seriously, regardless of whether they’re exploring a new style of music or dyeing their hair purple. These things are important to them right now, so brushing them off makes them think you don’t respect who they’re becoming. Instead, you should show genuine interest to strengthen your connection and encourage them to share more about their world.
“Your opinions will change when you’re older.”
Telling a teen, “Your opinions will change when you’re older,” is rather discouraging and actually belittles them—they’ll decide it’s not worth sharing their thoughts. It doesn’t matter if they have strong feelings about environmental issues or social justice causes they’ve learned about in school, as you have to show that their opinions are valid. Engaging in open conversations shows you value their perspective, even if you don’t always agree.
“You have it so easy compared to my generation.”
Hearing, “You have it so easy compared to my generation” is a guaranteed way to feel misunderstood—maybe they didn’t have to walk miles to school or live without the internet but they have their own set of challenges. Cyberbullying, social media pressures & intense academic competition are major causes of stress, for starters. Accept that every generation deals with different struggles to open the door for them to share what’s really going on in their lives.
“You’re too young to have an opinion on that.”
When you tell them, “You’re too young to have an opinion on that”, it shuts down meaningful dialogue because teens are forming their own ideas about the world. Dismissing their thoughts on politics or culture might make them feel insignificant & less likely to express themselves, so they’ll shut themselves away from you. You should encourage them to share and discuss these topics together to help them develop their confidence & critical thinking skills.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
Even if you’ve been through something similar, telling a teen, “I know exactly how you feel,” might not be helpful because everyone experiences things differently. It could make them think you’re not really listening and you should avoid making it about your own experiences—instead, try listening. You might want to ask questions by saying something like, “That sounds really hard—do you want to talk more about it?” to show you’re actually there for them.
“Stop dreaming and be more realistic.”
“Stop dreaming and be more realistic” stops them from hoping and dampens their creativity. Regardless of whether they want to be an artist, an astronaut, or start their own company someday, discouraging their ambitions makes them feel less motivated to follow their goals. You should encourage them to follow their dreams while helping them plan practical steps because it’ll inspire them to work hard & believe in themselves.
Disclaimer: This list is solely the author’s opinion based on research and publicly available information.
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