Anyone can list their strengths and weaknesses, but real self-awareness begins when the questions become uncomfortable.
The pattern that keeps returning
What problem in your life keeps happening, and what role might you be playing in creating it?
It’s convenient to blame a tough boss, another failed relationship, flaky friends, or just plain bad luck. However, when the same type of issue trails you from job to job, friend group to friend group, or relationship to relationship, there could be a trend happening. Maybe you dodge tough conversations, trust people too easily, expect others to read your mind, or consistently dismiss warning signs early on.
Having a strong sense of self doesn’t mean you blame yourself when things don’t go your way. It means you know the difference between what legitimately wasn’t your fault and the part you were responsible for.
When nobody is watching
How much of the person you present to others is actually you?
Most people modify their behavior slightly based on who they’re with. That’s normal. The real question is whether you’re always acting as the version of yourself that will get accepted.
Maybe you feign interest in topics you’re actually not interested in. Maybe you withhold certain opinions because you’re afraid they’ll be deemed unpopular. Or maybe you make decisions knowing that part of the reason you should do it is that it’ll look good to others.
Now imagine if you took out social media, your families’ expectations, job prestige, and everyone else’s thoughts from the equation. What aspects of your life would you still choose to do? That tells you how well you live by your values.
The criticism that stings
What criticism makes you unusually defensive, and could there be some truth in it?
Not all criticism merits your attention. Some of it is unfair, some of it is inaccurate, and some of it is offered purely to hurt your feelings. But if there’s one particular criticism that seems to infuriate you every time or sends you diving into defense mode as soon as you hear it, you might want to consider why.
Maybe being told that you’re controlling, flaky, jealous, selfish, or oversensitive hits a nerve you don’t want to investigate. While a person with a high degree of self-awareness does not necessarily accept another person’s evaluation of them, they also don’t dismiss it outright because hearing it hurts their feelings. Often our knee-jerk defensive reactions lead us right to what we may not want to face about ourselves.
Your convenient explanation
What excuse do you keep giving yourself because the alternative is harder to admit?
“I don’t have time.” “I’m waiting for the right opportunity.” “That’s just how I am.” Excuses like these can be entirely valid. But they can also keep us from facing tougher answers. What if you’re really scared of failing? Terrified of looking like a novice? Not ready to give up something comfortable? Concerned about what others will think of you?
Self-awareness is catching yourself when an excuse becomes an unconscious defense mechanism. You might still choose not to change, but you’ll know why.
The people who bother you
What trait do you dislike most in other people, and do you ever show it yourself?
Close your eyes and consider the traits you find most annoying. Acting superior? Self-centeredness? Whining? Judging others? Needing attention? Sometimes other people annoy us because they’re genuinely obnoxious. Other times, the qualities that get under our skin are ones we battle within ourselves, just maybe not in the same way.
Maybe the person who can’t stand it when someone else interrupts is always interrupting others. Maybe the person who hates judgey people is secretly judging everyone they know. Acknowledging that hypocrisy can be difficult. And that’s why this question is so telling.
The benefit nobody mentions
What are you secretly gaining from a situation you constantly complain about?
This is one of the more difficult concepts to grasp because it can sound very insulting when you first hear it. No one chooses to be miserable. However, every bad situation has a secret payoff.
Staying in a horrible job can keep you from the risk of trying to find a new one. Not dating can keep you from getting hurt. Being mad at someone can keep you from having a difficult conversation. Procrastination even keeps you from finding out if you’re capable of succeeding, at least for a little while.
Realizing there’s a payoff doesn’t mean the problem isn’t real. It just means you understand why it can be so difficult to change.
The apology test
When was the last time you admitted you were wrong without immediately explaining why?
It’s difficult to give a sincere apology if we think our intentions negate the outcome. Saying “I’m sorry, but I was stressed” or “I’m sorry you took it that way” lets us apologize and take no responsibility.
Recall a recent time you offended, disappointed, or inconvenienced someone. Were you able to own up to what you did without following it up with an explanation?
Highly self-aware people understand the difference between explaining themselves and making excuses. They also realize that just because they had good intentions doesn’t mean their actions had a positive impact.
The uncomfortable future
If nothing about you changed for the next five years, would you be happy with where your current habits take you?
Ignore your goals and focus on your actions. What you spend money on, who you spend time with, how you take care of your body, how you work, your boundaries, and how you spend your time are already creating a path. If you continue down this road, where will you be in five years?
Don’t try to scare yourself into action or strive for immediate perfection. Simply observe the contrast between the future you say you want and the future you are creating through your actions. There lies your truth of what needs to change.
13 everyday mistakes that show poor self-awareness
We asked people to share what they’ve seen in friends, coworkers, and even family members who lack self-awareness, and these 13 habits came up again and again.
