Someone with a secret mean streak isn’t going to yell at you; they’ll say these 11 things instead.
“I’m just telling you what everyone else is saying behind your back”
This is a tried and true tactic designed to make you feel alone, watched, and threatened by the people around you. The villain often uses this lie to appear loyal and honest by warning you of these supposed people.
Not only are these people likely made up or vastly exaggerated by your abuser, but they also want you to never trust anyone else ever again, besides them.
Eventually you will believe there’s a whole group of people out to get you, and your bully is the only person who has your back.
“Must be nice to have so little to worry about”
It might not seem like it, but it can be a passive-aggressive way of undermining your efforts. Instead of being glad you look happy or that life is treating you well, they’re implying that your life must be easy because you don’t have any problems.
The thing is, you never know what someone is going through. Everyone has things they stress about and responsibilities they have to manage. Just because someone looks happy doesn’t mean they live a carefree life.
People say things like that because they are envious of how you may appear on the outside and are comparing their struggles to your life. But that doesn’t mean you have to apologize for having good things going for you. You don’t have to feel bad for living your best life.
“I can’t believe you are still upset about something from so long ago”
Whenever someone who was cruel to you doesn’t own up to hurting you, they’ll try to hide behind time.
They take something that you have every right to remember and call it an old wound you’re hanging onto. Suddenly the problem isn’t their wrongdoing, it’s you for not letting it go.
It tells you that you only have a certain amount of time to feel sad or angry about something before you become overdramatic.
“Don’t worry, I fixed your mistake before anyone important saw it”
This little nugget is meant to create an invisible debt you didn’t even know you needed.
Sure, maybe you messed up but so what? They want you to think that you not only did something wrong, but that you would have been seriously ridiculed or caught if they hadn’t intervened.
It makes them seem all-powerful and competent while making you feel clumsy, stupid, and in their debt.
“I guess some people are just happy with a simple, easy life”
The keyword here is simple. It sounds innocent enough but when you really think about what they are saying, they are belittling your life and everything about it.
Whether it be your job, your aspirations, or just how you live your life, they are implying that you aren’t ambitious or motivated enough to chase your dreams like they are.
“It’s so brave of you to wear that at your age”
Oftentimes disguised as a compliment, this statement is meant to insult you and make you feel as ridiculously self-conscious as possible.
By prefacing something you’re wearing or doing with “brave,” they are implying you should be embarrassed.
It’s a great way for them to stab you in the insecurities while covering themselves with a positive word that literally means the opposite of what they’re intending.
“You always find a way to make everything about yourself”
This tactic will flip off on you the second you try to establish a simple boundary or voice that you’re legitimately hurt about something they said/did.
As soon as you voice how their behavior made you feel, they’ll accuse you of being selfish for feeling that way in the first place. And it instantly puts you in a defensive position, making you say sorry for having feelings about their impact on you.
Once they’ve gotten you good enough with this mind trick, you’ll find yourself shutting up altogether just to avoid seeming selfish.
“I was just trying to see if you could take constructive criticism”
By calling their comment “constructive criticism”, they turn your honest reaction into something that looks like a character flaw or emotional weakness on your part.
And framing it as your issue with jokes or advice, they sidestep all blame for their own inappropriate conduct. Consequently you’re put into a double-bind where if you speak up, they are proven right, but if you stay silent they walk all over you.
“Wow, you’re comfortable saying that out loud?”
Don’t mistake this for praise of your bravery in sharing personal information, declaring good news, or feeling exposed. It redirects all attention from your actual statement to an interrogation of its appropriateness or your standing to bring it up.
And this backhanded comment is social manipulation at its finest. It tells you indirectly that you lack awareness, grace, and/or sense of personal boundaries. They leave you feeling embarrassed and exposed, silencing you from wanting to share your thoughts, stories or accomplishments ever again.
“That’s not how it really happened”
People lie about remembering things all the time, but a maliciously evil person will use this statement to slowly drive you mad. Instead of simply suggesting their perspective is different from yours, they’ll bluntly insist that you are incorrect and deny your experience.
They repeat this often enough until you begin to doubt yourself and what you know to be true. Or until you’re so muddled you have to lean on them to tell you what’s real.
“Frankly, I didn’t expect you to succeed, given your past”
This goes straight for the jugular. It questions everything about you: your upbringing, education, past failures.
It pretends to congratulate you on your most recent accomplishment but then undermines it by implying you were never expected to achieve such greatness in the first place.
The speaker’s apparent shock at your success is a performance, a way to remind everyone that they still consider you an outsider.
Sources: Please see here for a complete listing of all sources that were consulted in the preparation of this article.
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10 phrases people say when they don’t actually like you
It’s not like people openly admit when they dislike someone, but they’ll let that fact slip in the way that they talk, including the phrases that sound completely normal at first.
