It’s not like people openly admit when they dislike someone, but they’ll let that fact slip in the way that they talk, including the phrases that sound completely normal at first.
Just a bit much
People say, ‘You’re a lot,’ when they’re trying to be subtle. They’re trying to criticize basically everything about you without doing it directly, since they don’t name anything you’ve done in particular.Â
They might think you’ve talked too much or that you laughed too much, anything really. Your existence was way too much for them to handle, and the phrase is playful enough that you might mistake it for teasing. It’s not.
A strange little welcome
Maybe they did forget. Maybe they were being honest when they said, ‘I forgot you were coming,’ but that’s not necessarily a good thing. It could mean that you didn’t fit into their idea of how things were going to be.
It could mean that you’re so insignificant to them that they don’t think about you. Ouch. Whatever the reason, it’s their way of excluding you from the group, and they want you to think it’s a simple mistake.
There it is
The trouble with a sentence like ‘Oh, you’re here’ is that, yes, technically, it is a greeting. They’re acknowledging that you’re there. But that’s all, they’re not trying to show any warmth toward you or show that they care about you being there.
They’re actively choosing not to feel happy to see you and not to encourage you to speak to them. It’s even worse when they say it in a certain tone. You know the one, the one where it sounds like you’ve done something wrong, just by being there.
A helpful little mirror
‘I just think you should be more self-aware.’ It’s something that sounds mature, almost kind, but that’s all a front. What exactly do they think you should be self-aware of? And why? Someone who wants you to improve would be clearer about it, and a bit friendlier, too.
Anyone who says this is trying to make you doubt yourself and question every part of your personality. You’re not exactly going to do that to someone you like, are you?
The room noticed
It’s easy to mistake ‘You seem really comfortable here’ as a compliment. At least, for half a second. It shouldn’t take you long to realize that, actually, the other person thinks you’ve settled in too easily and joined too quickly. They think you’re too relaxed for the situation.
It doesn’t matter that you were simply being friendly, they think you’re completely out of place, for one reason or another. They’re questioning who gave you permission to be who you are. That’s hardly the nicest behavior.
A polite little wall
When someone doesn’t want to fight with you but doesn’t want to agree either, they’ll say something like, ‘That’s one way to look at it.’ They’re not directly saying what you’re saying is wrong.Â
However, what they are doing is making your opinion seem wrong. They’re making it seem outside of the ordinary somehow, like you shouldn’t be thinking that way. They don’t like you or your opinions, basically.
The soft landing
You might be tricked by ‘I’m sure you mean well.’ You shouldn’t be. It sounds like someone’s recognizing your good intentions, but really, they’re trying to dismiss what you actually said. They don’t care that you’re making a suggestion or giving advice.
What they really care about is saying that you’re wrong without directly doing so. It’s enough to make you feel slightly embarrassed for saying or doing something, and that’s exactly what they were hoping for.
A door left half-open
It’s not a no exactly. When someone says, ‘You can come if you want,’ they’re not openly telling you not to come, but they’re not seriously suggesting it. They’re not laying out the red carpet for your visit, and they’re not showing any kind of joy that you’re coming.
People say it when they want an easy escape route from their feelings toward you. They didn’t leave you out, so what’s the problem? Turns out, it’s the fact that they didn’t pull you in, either, or bother trying to make you feel welcome.
An odd kind of flavor
Someone who says that you’re ‘kind of an acquired taste’ is telling you something very important. They’re saying that someone has to be around you for a long time to actually like you because, apparently, you’re just that dislikable.
In other words, they’re saying ‘People tolerate you eventually.’ That’s not nice. You wouldn’t say that to someone you care about, so take it as a warning sign that someone doesn’t really like you.
The shortcut request
It’s relatively normal in a meeting when someone says, ‘We don’t need the whole backstory’ because they really might need you to get to the point. That’s okay. It’s a different story when someone says it socially.
The backstory could actually matter, but they really don’t care about any of that. Not ever. They’re irritated by the way you talk, and they essentially want you to be quiet.
Sources: Please see here for a complete listing of all sources that were consulted in the preparation of this article.
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