Sometimes it’s the casual remarks that clue you into the fact that someone is totally toxic.
The fragility shield
If someone looks you straight in the eye and says, ‘You’re too sensitive to be told the truth,’ they just made you wrong for setting boundaries and them innocent for being abusive.
This tactic lets them control how you react to their actions.
They label you as weak for feeling upset by what they said or did, and they essentially grant themselves amnesty to be mean to you whenever they want from that point forward.
The lone wolf
There are people out there who enjoy flexing their total disregard for others by saying, “I don’t care what people think, I do me.”
What appears to be some sort of ego-booster is actually your cue that this person has zero desire to play by the rules of common courtesy.
Normal functioning humans care how they affect others.
If someone tells you they couldn’t care less, they are blatantly informing you that your feelings of discomfort will never be considered.
Honesty’s dark side
Watch out for folks who declare, “I’m brutally honest; it’s just my personality.” They care more about being brutal than being honest 99% of the time.
It’s a verbal ambush, designed to allow them to unload on you with no regrets. Honesty should be constructive or kind.
Those who put honesty first when speaking are using it to try and control you.
The traitor’s loop
“I’ve never had a friend who didn’t stab me in the back,” makes it sound like they just keep getting unlucky with friends.
It can also mean that they refuse to acknowledge that they ever played a role in a falling out.
If everyone they’ve ever known is a villain, then they are the common factor in every explosion. It’s not likely that every person in their life is terrible.
They will make you feel like you have to prove yourself as an exception or that you can be trusted. It will rush you over time instead of having things happen naturally.
Closing the gate
You try your best to call them out on their behavior, and they shoot back with, “Oh come on. I know I can’t please you.”
They’ve tuned you out. They immediately weaponize your concern to make you the bad guy.
There’s no sign they’re taking responsibility for their actions or words. Not an attempt to apologize.
Suddenly, the focus completely changes to their emotions and how you’re affecting them.
The only ally
“I’m only saying this because I’m the only one who will.” Watch out when someone says this to you.
They are isolating you. They want you to only see them as your one true friend who has the courage to tell you how you messed up.
Everyone else in your life is portrayed as a fraud or whispering about you. It’s strategic and meant to cut down your self-worth so you lean on them and their honesty.
Erasing the tape
They’ll try to dismiss your concerns by saying, “Why are you always dwelling on the past?” to erase the history of their actions.
Cutting off history in a relationship means they never have to own that they are habitually toxic.
And you’re stuck, because if they don’t change, the issues stay buried, as you can’t talk about what happened before.
The empty apology
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is pretty much the easiest way for a crappy person to dodge apologizing.
They don’t mean they’re sorry for what they did, they mean sorry that you’re having feelings about it that they perceive as inconvenient.
It puts the problem onto you and your feelings instead of what they did.
The charity play
When someone says, “You’re lucky I deal with your drama,” they’re trying to lord it over you by making you feel inferior and them superior.
That kind of tactic is a classic move to make you feel like you’re not worthy and should be grateful for any attention at all.
A healthy relationship is two people loving each other equally.
It is not them doing you a favor by allowing you to continue dating them.
Schrödinger’s punchline
When someone intentionally says something offensive and then says, “you should have known I was kidding,” they are trying to test how far they can push you before you stand up for yourself.
It’s called Schrödinger’s joke because it only counts as a joke if you react negatively to it.
They can insult you to your face, calling you names, and then paint you as the overly sensitive one.
Sources: Please see here for a complete listing of all sources that were consulted in the preparation of this article.
14 small but toxic patterns & habits that ruin relationships
Nobody ever thinks their relationship’s going to get ruined by the tiny things, and we’re usually all on the lookout for the big things. But really, it’s usually the small habits that do the real damage, and here are fourteen of these toxic patterns.
14 small but toxic patterns & habits that ruin relationships
