A compliment is supposed to make people feel good. It has to be sincere, and it cannot highlight something that could be perceived as embarrassing. But sometimes, some compliments can sound patronizing or dismissive and make the other person feel bad. In this list, we are looking at 10 compliments that can come across as patronizing. So, make sure to avoid these at all costs.
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“You’re So Brave For Doing That”
Courage is generally a wonderful virtue, but this compliment can come off as patronizing, especially when it relates to something in a person’s life or identity. When you say this, it can seem like you are exaggerating a person’s ‘bravery’ and also bringing their choice or act into an uncomfortable spotlight. You can instead show genuine interest and ask them about their experience.
“You’re So Articulate!”
This one might seem innocent, but it does also have a backhanded quality to it, especially if it suggests surprise at someone’s ability to express themselves. A lot of people find the comment off-putting because it implies that you wouldn’t have expected this person to be articulate in the first place. You could just say that you enjoyed the ideas this person was expressing.
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“You Look Great For Your Age”
This is meant as a compliment, but it can also make the recipient feel like you’re commenting on their age, not just the way they look. The implication is that they have made an extra effort to look better than you would expect them to for their age – which sounds like a put-down, however subtle. ‘You look great’ minus ‘for your age’ comes across as more genuine.
“You Did A Great Job, Especially Considering It’s Your First Time!”
Though intended as a compliment, this can sound a little snarky — It can make people feel like you didn’t really expect that much of them, and are pleasantly surprised that they did a good job. Better to just say ‘good job,’ without the qualifying bits.
“You’re Actually Pretty Smart!”
This can be a big letdown — especially given the ‘actually’, which implies it came as a surprise. ‘I didn’t think you were clever’ is the sub-text. ‘You’re smart’ or a compliment about their specific ideas will sound far more honest.
“Good For You!”
Though often said with good intentions, this phrase can sometimes feel dismissive. It can sound like you’re patting someone on the head instead of genuinely admiring what they did. If you’re impressed, it’s better to show interest by asking them about their work or experience instead of making it sound like they’re getting a gold star.
“You Don’t Look Disabled/Sick/Etc.!”
This is often meant as a compliment, but it can be upsetting to those who are dealing with an invisible disability or ill health. It could be that you are denying their condition or that you are suggesting they ‘should’ look sick. Perhaps it would be better to comment on their strength or resilience.
“You’re Pretty Good At This… For A Woman/Man!”
The introduction of gendered qualifiers to compliments seems condescending and hopelessly outdated – like you’re saying that their skill is unexpected in someone with your gender. So it’s just better to say they’re talented, full stop.
“I Had No Idea You Were This Talented!”
This one sounds good, but it can sound dismissive– it makes it seem like we shouldn’t have been surprised to find out they’re talented. To the person we’re praising, it might feel resentful: you’re saying quietly to yourself that you didn’t realize they were talented. At best you were ignorant about their awesomeness, and at worst you underestimated them. ‘You’re so talented!’ (if you truly believe it) is just kinder and more helpful.
“You’re Doing Well… For Someone From [Background]!”
Complimenting someone’s abilities and tying it to their background, ethnicity, or upbringing can feel highly condescending. t implies that their background makes them less likely to succeed, which is insulting and outdated. Don’t mention where they come from. Just appreciate their work.
Disclaimer: This list is solely the author’s opinion based on research and publicly available information.
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