Friendships can break for all sorts of reasons. To see how to handle it, I asked a relationship counselor about ways they advise people to fix theirs. The answers weren’t the usual “just say sorry.” They were more real, small things that actually worked. Here are 10 ways experts say they have seen people mend broken friendships.
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Own your blind spots
The other person may have pulled away from you for reasons you were completely blind to. Don’t just focus on the things they did, but attempt to acknowledge the parts you weren’t aware of. Offering an “I see now that I wasn’t really present for you” will surprise them in a good way.
Do your old routines again
Remember those little things you two used to do together like your weekly coffee dates, gaming night or post-class walks? Restarting one of these will help both of you recall how it used to be before the falling out, in a subtle way. It’s not necessarily forcing serious conversations at first, but making a space to feel comfortable again.
Prove you care through presence
Stand with them, in silence if necessary, attend their show, share their writing, check in and ask how they’re doing. Presence is powerful, especially when you don’t have perfectly curated lines. It also will let them know that you are still a part of their life.
Be grateful
Tell them in person or with a note or text or just explain why you’re happy to have them in your life. Little notes of thanks will remind you both why you should hold on to this friendship.
Keep the first move small
You don’t need to address everything all at once. Think simple for your first move. A short text, a song link, or a memory that pops up. It’s low-key and lets them decide if they’re ready to engage.
Let them vent without defending yourself
One of the first things they will do once you are sitting in front of them is to tell you your version of events is incorrect. However, if you can wait and let them get it all out, it can make a world of difference. Oftentimes all they need is to be heard and after they’ve said their say, it’s much easier for them to let you back in.
Share a vulnerable update from your own life
When both friends wait for the other to soften, nothing moves. A gentle way to shift that is by sharing something from your own life that feels personal. It doesn’t need to be heavy, just truthful. That kind of honesty makes it easier for them to meet you halfway.
Respect the new boundaries they set
Forgiveness doesn’t always mean going back to how it was before. They may not be comfortable with text messages every day or long hangs just yet. Respect their boundaries. Let them set the pace of the relationship and give them control of the tempo. This is a chance to create a new trust dynamic.
Build on common ground today
It’s natural to want to rehash old times with someone, but for a friendship to really develop, it needs to come from the present. Concentrate on areas of interest and passion you both share at the moment. Causes, hobbies, and humor are good places to start. It will make reconnecting feel more timely and genuine.
Accept that closeness may look different now
Repairing a friendship may not make it “unbroken” after all. Perhaps you will not be attached at the hip like before, but you can still have something special. Accepting a new type of intimacy can help keep it from falling apart altogether.
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