It’s not just the big things that you need to watch out for because it’s also the little things that show someone needs you around, instead of loving having you around.
Listen to the list
One of the biggest tells comes from how they describe why they’re with you. They might say that you’re stable, great, or that you help them, excellent, but there’s something missing. You, yourself, don’t exist in any of those reasons.
They don’t mention your personality or your humor, not even your brain, just the benefits package that comes from being with you. It’s a warning sign that they don’t actually care about you as a person, only what you bring to the table.
A strange kind of panic
Nobody’s their best version when you’re talking about a breakup, and that’s okay, but listen to how they talk about it. Are they scared about breaking up because they’ve hurt you, or because they don’t know how to survive without you?
Saying ‘I don’t want to lose you’ isn’t the same as a version of ‘Who’s going to help me now?’ Person one actually cares about you as a human being, but person two only cares about losing a system, nothing more than that. It’s harsh, yet you have to know the difference.
The stuck door
That’s not all for breakups, as you might realize that they don’t want to leave, but they don’t want to fix anything either. They’ll give you every logical reason why you shouldn’t split up. The thing that’d make staying worthwhile, however, is off the table.
Counseling? A serious talk? Changing their behavior? None of that matters right now, it’s all too complicated, apparently. It leaves you stuck in the position where ending things is too much, and so is improving things. It’s hardly relaxing.
When no gets loud
Boundaries. No matter how good a relationship might be, boundaries are important, and the other person shouldn’t act like it’s the end of the world because you’ve put one up. They shouldn’t get annoyed because you need a night alone or can’t pay for something.
It’s not a big deal when they’re a little disappointed, yes, that’s totally normal. But the truth is, someone who’s actually in love with you will understand that you’re stretched thin, and you need your time. When they can’t accept that? It’s a red flag.
Only on the empty days
You might notice that they only seem to remember you when things are going badly for them. They’re fine to hang around with you until they’ve got friends or money around, and then you’re just background noise to them.
Maybe they do miss you, there’s a good chance of that. That’s not an excuse for them to only value you when they’re bored or stressed, however, and the timing’s doing a lot of talking when that happens.
Same couch, same script
Having a routine is one thing. Relying on it is another. You might notice how they don’t ask or seem to care much about how things are with you, unless your life changes the plan. Their wish is for things to stay as they are.
Any time that you move the pieces around a little, they get really tense, and it has nothing to do with closeness. They just hate how things have stopped feeling familiar. In reality, the relationship means nothing to them, and they fear losing the routine more than anything.
Suddenly sweet again
Something happens the second you stop carrying the whole relationship. What is it exactly? Just that they start making an effort and trying to make sure that everything’s okay between you, no big deal.
It’s pretty convenient, in all honesty, especially when their behavior changes once the threat is gone. They stop putting effort in, and they stop trying to repair things because now, their comfort isn’t under threat, so it’s not important to fix the relationship anymore.
A sensible little pitch
Listen to their reasons why the two of you should stay together, and you might pick up on a few details. It’s not like they’re cold or anything, it’s just that their reasons for staying together are more practical than they are romantic.
You should stay together because of the lease, because their stuff’s in the closet, because you have a mortgage together, something along those lines. Love never gets a mention. If it does, it only appears at the very end, rather than being the main reason for you to be together. Ouch.Â
Part of the backup plan
The future that they’re building out loud tells you a lot about their feelings toward you. There’s no mention of romance, but there are plenty of comments about how you’ll help them calm down and how you’ll help them figure things out.
It’s a ‘relationship’ where you’re doing all of the heavy lifting and not getting much back from it. Their plans shouldn’t be dependent on you and your assets because, really, that’s not genuine love.
Sources: Please see here for a complete listing of all sources that were consulted in the preparation of this article.
