If you want your marriage to thrive, you must learn to let go of some of your habits, things and ideologies.
Third-party council
Before you’re married, you vent to your mom, sister or best friend about how your boyfriend does this one thing that drives you crazy.
After you tie the knot, that behavior doesn’t remain acceptable and bad-mouthing your husband to your inner circle will poison your family unit.
Therapists often advise that bringing external opinions into marital disputes hinders a couple’s ability to develop their own conflict-solving strategies. Allow your private matters to stay private and you’ll protect your team’s bond.
Hidden reserves
It might seem sensible to stash away some cash or consider part of your earnings as exclusively yours, but entering a marriage with the expectation that your partner will financially betray you is a recipe for mistrust.
Most people adopt this defense mechanism after watching relatives divorce and struggle, but harboring that resentment will subconsciously teach your marriage that it should plan for failure.
Unconditional unity means letting go of your fears and fully trusting that you and your partner will always have each other’s backs, financially and otherwise.
Doing everything
In an attempt to keep your house running smoothly, you likely internalize all of the schedules, chores and daily tasks that need to get done.
You then snap at your husband when he doesn’t live up to your standards or simply forgets to do something.
Letting go of this responsibility means training yourself not to mentally note everything that needs to be done. Sometimes, it’s best to just let your husband do it his way, even if that means abandoning the task.
When you stop shouldering everything on your back, you can’t feel secretly annoyed with your partner.
Decor territory
The decor, organizational systems and overall feel of your home may be something you’ve completely taken charge of.
If your husband has no input on what furniture to buy, which family photos to display or how to arrange the garage, he’ll never feel at home.
Marriage is about sharing everything, even down to the physical space you live in. Let go of the need to control every design element and schedule a DIY project just for you two to tackle together.
You both should be able to walk into your home and feel that it reflects you.
Hint quizzes
Marriage isn’t about having someone who can read your mind, it’s about openly communicating what you need in a way that your partner understands.
Stop expecting your husband to fail you and start being blunt about what you want, whether that be emotional support or a home cooked meal.
Highlight envy
Social media has conditioned us to compare our marriages to everyone else’s highlight reels. How is your husband supposed to know that you want to take a family vacation when your friend’s family of four just returned from Europe?
Comparing your husband to other peoples relationships will ultimately leave you unhappy.
Every marriage is different behind closed doors, no matter how picture perfect they seem.
Stored storms
When you’re in the middle of an argument, it’s really easy to dig up things your husband did wrong way back when, especially if those old hurts still sting.
But if old disagreements keep resurfacing, he’ll likely feel like nothing’s ever really settled between you two.
Small issues become bigger because you’re adding past mistakes into the current issue.
It’s usually best to take one problem at a time. Once a problem has been resolved and forgiven, it’s best to let it go and leave it in the past.
And if you are the husband, certain habits you picked up as a single guy can actually sabotage your marriage without you even noticing.
Mothering substitute
Men walk into marriage hoping their wife will handle all of the responsibilities that their parents used to.
Women should mother you by taking care of all household responsibilities, doing laundry, and keeping you emotionally grounded.
Guess what happens when you force a woman into mothering you? The passion and respect go way down.
Marriage is walking into a relationship where you take responsibility for your body and emotions first. Don’t expect her to manage everything for you.
The lone wolf
Many men withdraw into complete silence when experiencing significant stress at work, financial instability, or even health issues. They don’t want to appear weak so they put up a shield and internalize the pain.
If you were on your own, nobody would fault you for holing up like a hermit until you felt secure. Except you’re married now and your wife has no idea what’s going on. It’s terrifying for her to suddenly have you shut down.
Vulnerability is not weak in marriage, it’s necessary. Some of the strongest men we know willingly let their wives crawl into the foxhole with them when pain strikes.
Empty nods
Have you ever seen how some husbands just nod along to whatever their wives suggest, saying something like, “Sure, whatever you say, dear.”
They’re playing a silly mind trick on themselves, thinking it’ll somehow help them dodge difficult discussions.
The truth is when you stop leading and abandoning your wife of the important decisions in your family, it creates an immense amount of pressure on her to be the logical, reasonable one 100% of the time.
Marriage requires your input, your voice and your opinions. Peace isn’t lying down and allowing your wife to lead on everything.
The guys first
Friendships are one of the most important nutrients we need to thrive as humans. However, operating like you’re single and that the guys come before your wife will destroy your marriage.
Planning weekend after weekend away from your family so you and your buddies can golf, fish, play sports, or drink ignores the fact that you have a wife that needs you.
Sliding into marriage mode means your family comes first. Your wife deserves your protective energy, loyalty, and most of your quality time.
Arrange your friends around your family versus your family around your friends.
Repair mode
Another insane trap husbands fall into is thinking that when their wife tries to communicate an issue, worry, or bad day, they can swoop in and fix all of the problems.
She’s not looking for a list of things you can do to make her life better.
When your wife attempts to speak into your life, most times she simply wants you to listen, be present, and hold space for her to feel safe venting.
Relationships are about achieving emotional intimacy, not logistical excel sheets. The only way she’ll feel close to you is if you let go of the need to provide immediate solutions and just listen.
Time accounting
“I had to take the kids to the park while she’s off drinking Starbucks with her friends.”
“I worked 60 hours this week so I need to relax and play video games all weekend.” Sounds familiar?
Keeping a tally of who gets what time off can easily lead to the feeling that we can only step away from family duties if our wives also take a break.
Doing life together means there will be times where one of you needs a break or leisure time more than the other.
Just love your spouse wholeheartedly and be there for them in whatever way they need, without keeping score.
Clock-out mindset
Just because you had a tough day at the office does not give you permission to ignore your wife and family when you walk in the door.
Some husbands think that because they worked hard all day and provide for the family, they can nap when they get home. It’s a lazy mentality that creates an atmosphere of dysfunction.
At work you’re the boss, at home you should be a teammate. Respect that your wife had a full day taking care of children (or another job), and come home willing to connect and tackle the second shift together.
Earn those rest days by working together as a team.
Sources: Please see here for a complete listing of all sources that were consulted in the preparation of this article.
