You’d be surprised at how easily people can get used to bad treatment, mostly because it arrives slowly, but there are some behaviors that you should never allow.
When no comes with a price
Maybe you say you can’t come to the event, or you don’t want to lend the money. Most people will accept that. But there are others who get into a mood and act cold or annoyed. They’ll make little comments about everything they do for you.
These people refuse to accept your nos, and they don’t seem to understand the idea of consent. You’re allowed to refuse or change your mind in most situations, without having to face resentment. There should be no pressure on you to say yes.
The conversation you dread
Feeling like you don’t want to have this awkward conversation is very different from feeling genuinely nervous about the consequences of bringing it up. The first idea is okay. The second one isn’t. There’s no good reason why you should feel afraid to bring up problems with someone else.
You might be worried about them exploding or turning the whole thing around on you, yes. But that’s not okay. You should be able to raise problems without expecting punishment for speaking.
When trust becomes ammunition
You might’ve felt genuinely safe in the original conversation, where you told them about the thing you’re embarrassed about or the family problem nobody knows about. But then they bring it up again. They drag up those feelings during an argument because they know where it hurts.
That’s not okay. Nobody should use your insecurities or vulnerabilities to make you behave in a certain way. Think about it. You trusted them with something fragile, and they turned around to use it as a comeback. There’s not a single person on the planet who should do that to you.
The line that keeps getting crossed
The first time someone crosses your boundaries might be because they’re genuinely confused. That’s not too serious of an issue. But when it happens a third, fourth, or fifth time, you can’t explain that away, and you can’t let it keep happening.
Other people shouldn’t keep crossing your boundaries, especially not after you’ve told them to stop. It’s unhealthy. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a family member or a friend, even a partner, because it’s never okay. Your boundaries are there for a reason.
The joke with one target
Everybody laughs at the joke about you. Maybe you do too. But when it’s a joke mocking your physical appearance or something humiliating, then it stops being a joke. It becomes bullying. The truth is, nobody has the right to embarrass you in that way, especially in public.
Repeated humiliation doesn’t become harmless because somebody smiled while they were doing it. Any kind of belittling or inappropriate joke may count as humiliating behavior. It’s not something you should put up with, no matter your relationship to the other person.
The temper handoff
‘Look what you made me do.’ It’s one of the most convenient ways of explaining away what you did wrong, as it puts the blame on the victim, not the one doing the action. That doesn’t justify it, though.
It’s true that people can annoy each other or provoke each other. They can argue, too. Yet everyone is responsible for what they choose to do next, and you can’t blame that on anyone else. Don’t let someone blame you because they treated you badly. That’s their fault.
The all-access expectation
It’s hard to keep a sense of privacy online these days. But it’s important to remember that it’s something you’re entitled to. Yes, you’re allowed to have your own privacy online, one that doesn’t involve telling other people who you’re texting.Â
You don’t need to share your location with anyone. Not unless you want to, of course. Never allow someone to demand complete access to your private life because, at the end of the day, it’s your private life. Not theirs.
The exit threat
There are some people who simply can’t take disagreements. You have an argument with them, and then they say ‘Maybe we should break up’ or ‘Maybe we should stop being friends.’ Someone who keeps doing that to you doesn’t really care about you.
All sorts of relationships end, and sometimes saying so is completely serious. But you shouldn’t allow someone to keep threatening to leave whenever you don’t agree with them. Anyone who threatens you like that is someone not worth being with, in all honesty.
Your calendar comes second
Everyone knows someone who’s chronically late. It might be by five minutes, it might be by forty minutes. The problem there, though, is with the late people who expect you to be ready the second they need something. They’ll cancel plans with you after you’ve rearranged your day.
People like this see your time as less important than theirs, and that’s absolutely not okay. One late arrival is okay, of course, and two is manageable. Everybody gets disorganized sometimes. The issue is when someone keeps doing it.
The missing byline
Here’s one that happens way too often in the workplace. You complete the important project, but then you hear somebody else talking about it in a meeting, almost like they did it themselves. They didn’t. They’re taking credit for your work without asking.
Really, you should never allow someone to do that to you. You might think that it’s petty to complain about credit, but the problem is a lot deeper than that. They’re devaluing your time and energy. It’s not hard to give credit, and in fact, it’s an active choice to avoid doing so.
The permanent excuse
They’re stressed, and their boss is awful. Their family is driving them crazy, too, and they haven’t slept properly. While those issues might all be completely real, that doesn’t mean you should allow any disrespect.
Everyone has to go through hard times. They don’t give you the right to treat someone like garbage, and you should never allow that to happen. Nobody can expect you to tolerate disrespect because someone else is going through something.
The separation problem
They might not directly tell you to stop seeing your friends or family. That’d be a little obvious. Instead, they make every plan into a problem and try to justify why it’s better to stay away from other people. Don’t believe them.
It’s a form of isolation, no matter whether it’s a husband or a coworker doing it. They’re trying to make your outside relationships so tiring that you slowly stop bothering with them. Don’t brush it off. No single person should become your entire world because everyone else comes with a penalty.Â
The conveniently timed obstacle
Sabotage comes in many different forms, and not all of them are physical. For example, you have an interview tomorrow, so the other person decides tonight is the night for a party. Perhaps you’re finally sitting down to finish something important. Now there’s an urgent problem to solve.
Both of these count as someone sabotaging parts of your life, and that’s a form of abuse. You don’t need to tolerate somebody giving you obstacles in front of things you enjoy.
The courtroom for your feelings
Having to prove that you’re allowed to be upset gets tiring, simple as that. You shouldn’t have to do it. You shouldn’t have to debate why a certain comment was technically insulting, or why a reasonable person would care about it. You have feelings. They count.
It’s perfectly fine for you to disagree about what happened, as long as you don’t end up endlessly arguing about your reaction. People who keep dismissing your feelings are often abusers. It’s not something you should tolerate or even consider tolerating from others.
The secret you never agreed to carry
Some secrets are fun, like surprise parties or engagement news. Others make your stomach drop a little, and those are the ones that are the problem. They’re the secrets that involve making you hide abuse or harassment, perhaps excusing dangerous or immoral behavior, too.
Nobody should expect that of you. That’s right, you shouldn’t allow someone to pressure you into keeping damaging secrets. That’s a kind of abusive control. Turns out, loyalty doesn’t involve becoming somebody else’s filing cabinet.
Sources: Please see here for a complete listing of all sources that were consulted in the preparation of this article.
People with high emotional intelligence accept these 10 hard truths early in life, says expert
While some people learn the emotional rules of life the slow and hard way, other people catch on pretty early, and that’s why they’re so emotionally intelligent.
People with high emotional intelligence accept these 10 hard truths early in life, says expert
