Words take only seconds to say, but the wrong ones can change the way someone remembers you forever.
A question too far
“So why don’t you have kids?” is seemingly innocent small talk, but you have no clue what’s going on behind closed doors. They could be struggling with infertility, experiencing pregnancy loss, going through financial issues, relationship problems, or they just don’t want kids.
Unless someone volunteers information, their reproductive decisions are not dinner table fodder.
The comparison trap
“Why can’t you be more like…?” has rarely inspired anyone to be their best selves as the speaker hopes it will. Telling a child to act more like their sibling, your partner like your ex, or an employee like another coworker typically means you’re telling them who they are simply isn’t enough. If there’s a behavior you’d like to see changed, address the behavior; don’t use someone else as a benchmark.
Not yours to announce
“Are you pregnant?” is something you should never say to someone. Bodies change for many different reasons, and even if they are pregnant, they may not want you to know.
If you’re wrong, you’ve made an embarrassing comment about their body. If you’re right, you’ve potentially made them share something private.
Someone has it worse
“Other people have bigger problems” may technically be true in almost any hard situation. But it doesn’t magically make someone’s suffering go away. Your divorce doesn’t hurt any less just because Bob over there has cancer. And your terrifying diagnosis isn’t okay because Jill has something worse.
Pain doesn’t come with rankings, so only the most hurt can feel it.
Too late for that
“You should have known better” is especially useless when someone is already suffering the consequences of their mistake. There will likely be a constructive conversation to be had later about why it went wrong, but shaming them isn’t likely to make the lesson any clearer.
Oftentimes they know full well what they should have done; that’s why it hurts.
Grief has no schedule
“You need to move on.” This statement can sting particularly hard when you’ve experienced grief, a breakup, or another significant loss. Individuals don’t recover on someone else’s ideal schedule, and moving on doesn’t mean you have to forget what happened. You can motivate someone to get help if they need it without making them feel broken for grieving.
The invisible effort
“It must be nice to have so much free time” Can come across as extremely offensive to retirees, stay-at-home moms/dads, freelancers, unemployed individuals, caregivers, or anyone you simply don’t understand what their daily life/job looks like.
Because someone doesn’t work a typical nine-to-five job does not mean they lay around all day. Most of the time you only see a fraction of someone else’s workload.
A confidence killer
“You’ll never be able to do that” doesn’t go away easily from someone’s memory. Maybe their dream is unrealistic, but there’s a difference between pointing out challenges and pronouncing someone’s future. Mentors can make up for their advice later; permanent damage is done when you make someone question themselves for years.
The missing smile
“You should smile more” is supposed to sound nice, but it’s actually kind of intrusive, especially coming from a stranger or coworker. You don’t deserve someone’s smile just because you’re around them. You never know what someone is going through. Appreciating someone when they smile is one thing; ordering them to make one is another.
None of your business
“How much did that cost?” can make someone very uncomfortable, especially when you ask them about their house, wedding, medical care, or some other large expense. Some people have no problem talking about money, others find it incredibly personal. If they want you to know, they’ll tell you.
Borrowed courage
“If I were you, I would have…” is easy to say when you’re not living someone else’s reality. You don’t have their money, obligations, fears, spouse, children, or repercussions to consider. Advice can be helpful if someone is asking for it, but most of the time explaining exactly what you would do in another person’s crisis situations speaks more to your hindsight.
No deadline required
“Aren’t you too old to be doing that?” Questions like this can cause someone to second-guess something that was giving them authentic joy.
Going to college at 55, taking dance lessons at 70, wearing something bright, dating again, traveling solo, starting a new career. None of these activities need an age waiver. If you’re not endangering yourself or others, adulthood is no expiry date on curiosity.
Not a competition
“That’s nothing; let me tell you what happened to me” effectively changes anyone’s story into a competition. If they’re bragging about something good, recounting a scary event, or just having had a bad day, one-upping them right away makes it feel like you weren’t listening. Save telling them about your similar experience for after they’re done.
A different childhood
“Your parents did the best they could” may actually be true for some parents, but that’s a dangerous thing to say to someone telling you about their abusive childhood. You weren’t there for every moment of their childhood, and good intentions don’t excuse bad behavior. People sometimes just need you to listen and acknowledge their experience instead of trying to explain or defend the abuser right away.
Their private story
Asking someone “Why are you still single?” is meant to be a compliment, especially when you toss it on the end of “You’re such a catch.” However, the answer may be heartbreak, divorce, grieving, bad luck, choice, or yet to meet the right person. Your relationship status is not a diagnosis waiting for another person to discover.
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