We all have our own bubble. However, a lot of people don’t realize when they’re stepping inside it. They do things that seem fine to them. But they’re weird to the one on the receiving end, and according to research (see the end), there are a few “friendly” gestures that do this. Here are fifteen “kind” habits that seem invasive. Which of these makes you feel uncomfortable?
Featured Image Credit: Shutterstock.
Standing way closer than the average stranger gap
Researchers found that there’s a comfortable distance that people generally accept from strangers. It’s about four and a half feet. In some countries, that’s even more, so even if you’re trying to seem kind, it’s a little much. Being more than three feet in means you’re already in that person’s personal zone. Honestly, it’s funny how an extra foot of space feels like a mile.
Throwing a shoulder squeeze into small talk
You might think that giving someone a shoulder squeeze is kind. However, people let other people touch them based on how close they are. Strangers get very few acceptable spots & the shoulder isn’t always one of them. So that casual squeeze you think is reassuring? Yeah, it’s not so great to someone you barely know. They probably think you’re overstepping boundaries.
Adding a back pat to a workplace apology
One experiment involved looking at how people physically apologize. A few of these included a handshake & others threw in a quick back pat. But people reacted differently, depending on the combination. An extra hand on the back might mix signals when you’re at work. Are you giving reassurance? Are you making things awkward? You should probably avoid it altogether.
Stroking someone’s forearm while talking
There’s a type of slow touch on the forearm that’s meant to feel nice. But there are many factors that go into how this comes across, including the speed & spot. It also depends on the person giving it. When it comes from a stranger, this move goes from comforting to uncomfortable. Do you really want that?
Light tap on the arm from a server
Some waitstaff use a tiny arm tap when talking to customers. It’s probably because they think it’s friendly & studies show it sometimes encourages compliance. Yet it also comes across as pushy or unwanted, depending on the customer’s feelings that day. A five-second smile might work better. That half-second tap could ruin it all.
Steering someone forward with a hand on their back
The leaders among us may naturally guide others by placing a hand on their lower back. But that’s not an area of your body for strangers. Doing so to someone you don’t know or aren’t close to makes you seem too friendly. If anything, you seem like you’re controlling the other person. That ain’t good.
Resting your hand on someone’s knee
As for leg contact? That’s a whole other ballgame. Unless you’re close, like really close, touching someone’s knees is a bad idea because it means you’re overstepping boundaries. It doesn’t matter that you’re trying to come across as friendly. Or even if you’re trying to say, “hey, listen.” A touch on the knee is quite far outside the stranger comfort zone. So don’t do it.
Going for a workplace hug
A hug surely can’t be that bad. But it is. Female employees are more likely to rate workplace hugs as negative than other colleagues. They felt the same about general touching at work, so even something as everyday as a hug comes across as though you’re crossing boundaries. Try to be sympathetic in another way. Y’know, one that doesn’t involve touching.
Walking straight toward someone & getting too close
The way you walk matters, too, specifically your approach distance. People react more strongly when someone comes directly toward them & gets close. Coming in from the side is much nicer. Essentially, coming straight-on at a short distance creates a more intense reaction. Even when you’re simply saying hello.
Touching hair without asking
Running your fingers through someone’s hair or tucking a strand back may seem thoughtful. Yet many people aren’t into it. After all, people’s hair is rather high on the “don’t touch” list, even if you think you’re helping or complimenting. You’re still reaching into a space that people want to control themselves. So let them.
Holding someone’s arm during a handshake
Some handshakes don’t stop at the hand & they climb up to the arm. It’s meant to give some extra connection. But the thing is, not everyone reads it that way, and many people see it as an unexpected step. It’s enough to make them step back. You’ve already given them a friendly greeting, so why add a second point of contact?
Linking arms while walking
So many of us see linking arms as a way of linking up with our loved ones. That’s especially true when it’s between people who know each other well. But that doesn’t mean you should lock in without warning, as it may seem like you’re steering them. It turns an easy stroll into a bit of a tug. Essentially, you’re redirecting their pace before they’ve had a chance to decide if it’s okay.
Sitting right up against someone on a couch
Sprawling out is one thing. Pressing right up against someone is another. Even friends sometimes get too close to other people on the couch, as they think it shows they’re close in their relationship. Yet studies show most people would rather have a bit of space. It’s not always who’s next to you that matters. Just that you want some room.
Playful shove on the shoulder
Most people think a quick shove between friends or teammates is a bit of a laugh. However, timing matters. Some people enjoy the rough-&-ready feel. Others? Not so much. Shoving someone and making them go off balance or interrupting what they’re doing seems controlling. It completely changes the tone of what’s going on.
Adjusting someone’s clothing for them
Straightening a tie or smoothing a shirt seems harmless. Flipping a collar down might seem like you care, and yeah, friends & coworkers do it all the time. Yet that’s stepping into someone’s personal grooming space. Doing it in public, or without asking first, comes off as more intrusive than helpful. Most people aren’t expecting hands anywhere near their neck.
Sources
- Topography of social touching depends on emotional bonds between humans
- Social touch experience in different contexts: A review
- Keeping in Touch with Context: Non-verbal Behavior as a Manifestation of Communality and Dominance
- Exploring the Role of Touch and Apologies in Forgiveness of Workplace Offenses
