It’s funny how a compliment can go from sweet to insulting in just about three words, but the real problem is how many men don’t realize when they’ve crossed that line.
Femininity isn’t a flaw
There’s such a strong insult in the line, ‘I like that you’re not too girly.’ A guy might say it to mean that she’s easygoing or that they have similar interests, but really, it’s attacking feminine women. It’s treating femininity as something bad.
It’s yet another phrase that separates women from ‘other girls,’ and acts as though being feminine would somehow make her a less interesting person. She might like a lot of girly things, anyway, so there’s no need for these kinds of statements.
One little word changes it
‘Still’ is a small word that completely changes the meaning of a sentence. Take the compliment, ‘You still look good,’ for example. The sentence would be perfectly fine without the word ‘still,’ but when you add it, it becomes something different.
There’s a suggestion that she’s somehow beaten the clock and that she looks better than he expected. All she hears is a guy saying her looks should’ve faded by now. That’s probably not what he meant, but still.
Age comes with an asterisk
Saying ‘You look great’ is a lovely compliment. Saying ‘You look great for your age’ is something completely different. Yes, this is the kind of ‘compliment’ that makes it sound like you weren’t expecting her to look good.
You were expecting her to age badly. That’s not fair. Women also hear enough messages about how they’re supposed to age ‘properly,’ and they definitely don’t need a guy to give them some backhanded compliment.
Surprise ruins the laugh
The problem with the compliment, ‘You’re actually really funny,’ is the word ‘actually.’ It’s such a small word, but it causes so much trouble. It suggests that the guy had already decided she probably wasn’t going to be funny.
He assumed that she was a boring person, and that’s not exactly something a woman wants to hear. It doesn’t matter that he meant the comment as praise. The reality is, the guy sounds surprised that she managed to be funny, and it’s far from being an actual compliment.
Dressed up becomes a comparison
When a woman wears something that’s slightly nicer than usual, she’s almost guaranteed to hear this line. ‘You clean up well.’
It’s a compliment that’s meant to sound playful, yet it also manages to create a kind of awkward before-and-after comparison she didn’t ask for.Â
Her look tonight is the cleaned-up version. That makes her question what exactly she looks like every other day. Essentially, this kind of line is a backhanded compliment, where the nice part only makes sense because of the insult underneath.
The exception isn’t flattering
Some guys say things like, ‘I normally don’t like curly hair, but yours looks good’ and think they’re being kind. Maybe they’ll swap ‘curly hair’ for ‘freckles’ or ‘tall women.’ Either way, men often seem to think that making this exception sounds flattering. It doesn’t.
All a guy is actually saying is that he generally dislikes a trait she has. Then he’s acting like he’s generous for telling her that she managed to escape the rule, although there’s nothing very romantic about that. It just leaves a woman feeling judged, not appreciated.
Health isn’t a body type
In the right setting, saying, ‘You look healthy’ to a woman can be perfectly innocent. Perhaps she’s just recovered from the flu or something, it’d be nice to say it then. But saying it after you look at her up and down makes things weird.
Telling a woman she looks ‘healthy’ is often a way of saying she looks heavier or fuller, just less directly. Women know that. It’s also quite an uncomfortable thing to say to someone who’s dealt with eating problems or body-image issues.
Smaller isn’t the compliment
It’s a similar problem when you say, ‘That dress really slims you.’ You might think you’re being helpful, but really, the compliment has nothing to do with her clothing. It’s to do with the fact that her body apparently looks smaller inside it.Â
Saying it to a woman lets her know you noticed her usual size. You compared that size with tonight and directly told her that you preferred the reduced version. How fantastic. Thinness isn’t always an improvement, and many women hate when guys treat it like it is.
Motherhood isn’t a visual test
Some guys act like there’s one way that a woman’s supposed to look after having children. They’ll compliment a woman who doesn’t look that way by saying, ‘You don’t look like you’ve had kids.’ But really, it just means that her body doesn’t fit the expectations he had for her.
He probably thinks he’s being very flattering, even though he’s really not. The line actually makes things more awkward. It treats looking like a mother as the less attractive option, and that’s not right.
The club has conditions
‘You’re one of the guys.’ It’s a compliment that makes it sound like a woman has been welcomed into the group, but there’s a lingering question involved. Why does being accepted by a man have to involve becoming an honorary man?
Men should accept women in male-heavy spaces, rather than pressuring them to conform. It’s not right. Saying this kind of thing to a woman doesn’t make her feel included, but instead, she thinks she’s being accepted because she’s not being seen as a woman.
Different becomes a label
So many women have had guys tell them that they look ‘exotic,’ as if that’s meant to sound nice. Maybe it does the first time. But when you keep hearing it, it makes you question what’s really going on here.
A woman being called ‘exotic’ is being complimented for looking foreign. A guy is effectively telling her that she looks mysterious and different from his idea of ‘normal.’ It doesn’t matter that she might’ve lived in this country all her life. Now she’s an ‘other.’
Anger isn’t adorable
There are some guys who seem to think that it’s a good idea to ‘compliment’ a woman when she’s angry. She’ll feel genuinely annoyed and try to explain why she’s mad, then a guy says to her, ‘You’re cute when you’re angry.’ Newsflash, that won’t calm her down.
This sort of ‘compliment’ turns her frustration into something entertaining to watch, and it completely dismisses the reason she’s actually angry. Women are already under a lot of pressure to soften their anger because of social expectations. This just makes it worse.
Single isn’t a mystery
When men say, ‘I can’t believe you’re single,’ they mean it in a way that translates to, ‘You’re attractive, interesting, and someone should have snapped you up.’ Except, that’s not what most women hear.
They hear a line suggesting there’s something wrong with her and that’s why she’s single. They hear a suggestion that she’s difficult or unpleasant to be around in some way. It’s a compliment that gets a woman feeling self-conscious.
Marriage isn’t a job application
Guys sometimes say, ‘You’re wife material,’ and think nothing of it. But it’s actually a pretty loaded statement. Think about it, there are many qualifications that are supposed to earn that title, including cooking and being agreeable.
Different men mean different things by it, and that’s kind of the problem. A ‘compliment’ like this is tied to a lot of traditional ideas about women who are ‘suitable’ for marriage. It also supports the idea that some women aren’t.
Makeup is her choice
‘You look better without makeup’ is the sort of compliment that sounds sweet for about half a second. Then reality kicks in. A guy who’s saying this is giving a review that she never asked for, and making comments that she never wanted.
He might think he’s being nice and telling her that her natural beauty is good enough. Still, this line assumes that she’s wearing makeup for male attention, and that she must be trying to cover something up. She’s not.
Sources: Please see here for a complete listing of all sources that were consulted in the preparation of this article.
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