Second chances can save relationships, but there are times when giving another chance may only invite more pain.
The first time they scare you
Physical abuse cannot and should not be forgiven. Your physical safety should always come first in any relationship. If your partner hits you, pushes you, or threatens you in a way that you believe they will physically hurt you, then they have violated the trust and basic contract that love is built upon. If you forgive them, you will always be at risk by allowing them back into your life, as anger issues and physical assault typically require serious professional help to overcome.
A life behind your back
Many people stay together after one mistake. But finding out they cheated with someone for years, or even maintained a whole other family, is something else entirely. That kind of betrayal is made up of thousands of decisions to lie to you every day. Forgiveness would mean living a lie with someone whose history you thought your history with was authentic, when it was one huge fraud.
Your money disappears
Money in a relationship is your security blanket, your combined effort, and your future. Someone who secretly empties your joint accounts, takes out loans under your name, or hides a gambling addiction is literally gambling with your life savings. They can cause you to become homeless, bankrupt, or owe thousands in debt that you’re legally responsible for. You do not have to forgive someone who jeopardized your life and well-being.
Your world gets smaller
Someone who slowly isolates you from your friends, family, and sources of income is emotionally abusing you by attempting to steal your independence. Tracking your location, telling you what to wear, and guilting you every time you want to see another human being are tactics they use to shrink your world down to only them. You become wholly reliant on their opinion of you to feel like you have an identity at all.
Standing in your way
A partner who loves you cheers you on to chase your dreams. An abusive partner will sabotage your efforts to succeed out of jealousy, insecurity, or a need for control. They may throw a huge tantrum right before your big job interview, throw away important documents, or put you down every time you talk about your goals.
If someone is intentionally sabotaging your growth, they are showing you that your happiness is dangerous to them. You never owe an apology to someone who attempts to minimize you to feel more powerful.
Disguised as a joke
Everybody has an argument once in a while, but persistent name-calling, picking, and put-downs are meant to tear your self-confidence apart. An emotionally abusive lover will pick at your vulnerabilities and cloak their venom with “I was only kidding” or “you are too needy.” They’ll break you down so much that you think you don’t deserve real love and respect. You deserve not to accept apologies from someone who abuses your heart like this.
Questioning memory
Gaslighting means your partner consistently denies things that occurred, lies, and alters the truth to make you question your memory, your sanity, and your own judgement. They will look you in the eye and say you never had a conversation or you imagined a situation that very much did happen, until you start questioning your own thoughts and beliefs.
Gaslighting is a mental game that makes you so dizzy that you are dependent on your abuser’s sense of truth. It’s extremely difficult to forgive constant gaslighting because you cannot trust someone who is manipulating your reality.
Private means private
Opening up to someone about your personal pain, fears, and insecurities takes a lot of trust. If they take the private information you’ve told them and weaponize it during fights in order to hurt you as much as possible, that is a violation of your trust. If someone is willing to weaponize your vulnerabilities to hurt you, they don’t care about winning an argument; they care about hurting you. You do not owe that person forgiveness for using your biggest weakness against you.
Targeting loved ones
The way your partner treats those beneath them or dependent on you can tell you a lot about who they really are. Should your partner yell at, neglect, or hit your children or animals, your responsibility is to those who can’t stand up for themselves. Making excuses for abuse against vulnerable family members only encourages it and endangers innocent lives. Don’t feel guilty for refusing to tolerate abuse against your loved ones.
No remorse at all
True forgiveness comes when someone acknowledges they did wrong, they are remorseful about it, and they make efforts to do better. If your partner makes excuses, blames you for their horrible behavior, or says lazy “I’m sorry you feel that way” apologies, then forgiveness is totally undeserved. Offering grace to a partner who refuses to admit they did anything wrong is telling them they can treat you badly and get away with it.
Behind your back
Your partner should not be someone who is humiliating you to their friends, family, or social media followers. When your partner chooses to broadcast your business, tell lies about you, or ridicule you to others, they are purposely trying to ruin your reputation. You have every right to hold a grudge against someone who tries to tarnish your name behind your back or publicly.
Putting you in harm’s way
If someone lies to you about having a se****ly transmitted disease, drives drunk with you in the car, or brings drugs or weapons into your home, they don’t care about your life. Your body and your physical health are not up for discussion. Anyone who has 0% regard for your safety will not make a safe partner. Don’t feel bad about not forgiving these types of betrayals.
Trapped by a threat
Some emotionally abusive partners threaten self-harm to keep you trapped in a relationship whenever you set a boundary or attempt to leave. “If you leave me, I will kill myself” is a type of emotional blackmail that demands you police their emotions over your own well-being. Threatening suicide is something that emergency services take seriously. But you are not responsible for another adult human being’s decisions. You don’t have to forgive someone who tries to emotionally extort you into staying.
Apologies become routine
One instance of dishonesty followed by actual improvement is one thing. Endless apologies, bad behavior, promises to be better, and instant repetition of the bad behavior is a cycle. If your partner consistently lets you down, their apologies will register as utterly meaningless noise designed to keep you from breaking up with them. Letting someone off the hook for a continuous pattern of broken promises just ensures that they will hurt you in the same way down the line.
If he’s truly your soulmate, these are the 14 things he’ll say naturally throughout your relationship
The right man won’t always know the perfect thing to say, but some phrases tend to come naturally when love, trust, and respect are real.
