There is a gentleness to people who quietly treat others with respect. They don’t have to announce it, it’s in the way they say something, in their waiting, in their consideration. We may not say anything, but we notice such behaviors. These twelve strong acts of politeness linger in people’s memories more powerfully than they might imagine.
Pausing before entering shared spaces
There is a kindness in pausing just before entering a shared space. People observe how others enter and interpret it, often within seconds (Goman, 2015). Knock, pause, or look with a smile, and allow others to know that you see them. It’s a subtle moment of respect that rarely is verbalized, but never overlooked.
Giving people time to finish speaking
I’ve started to see the same pattern with people who listen well. They never feel the need to jump in right away. The Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley has found that when people are listened to, they feel respected and are more trusting. That moment of silence can make a more powerful impact than your next words.
Adjusting tone in public settings
Keeping our voices down in public places like cafes, buses and hallways is one of those things most people don’t notice most of the time, but which profoundly affects the social climate. A study at Cornell University found that even at moderate levels, the mere presence of human-generated noise increased subjects’ stress hormones and made them feel less comfortable (Evans & Johnson, 2000). A room with quieter, more restrained voices has a lighter, more open feel. The mindful speaker benefits not only the person they’re not shouting at but also everyone else in earshot.
Acknowledging service workers by name
We probably all look at name tags without much thought. Saying someone’s name, though, is another matter. It adds a little human touch to an exchange that is more than politeness. Research in Frontiers in Psychology (2022) reveals that when we hear our name spoken, the brain responds more strongly. It’s hardwired to respond when we hear our name.
Knowing when not to overshare
You can go on and on about yourself, it’s so easy to do and you mean well. But the ones that others feel comfortable around are the ones who know when to be quiet and when to keep things private. Multiple research has shown that deliberate conversational restraint builds trust and respect from others on an almost subconscious level.
Cleaning up shared spaces without announcing it
Cleaning a few things here or there, or drying a table may not seem like it’s a big deal, but it is. Other people will notice, it shows you care about the energy and comfort of the space for others. Studies have proven that the cleaner a space is, the happier and more relaxed people are.
Respecting quiet moments
Not all moments require words. Silence can say, “I am here, I am listening.” To pause and let someone collect their thoughts can create trust and calm. Researchers believe when conversation pauses and goes silent, people feel more connected (Nakane, 2007).
Humanizing online communication
Colladon and her team (2021) discovered that when coworkers adopted similar tones and word choices online, their collaboration and rapport blossomed. This behavior may also demonstrate concern for the feelings of others. Minor adjustments, like using warm or supportive language, can make communications seem friendlier and more personal.
Returning items promptly and in good condition
Returning something you borrowed in a clean, undamaged state as soon as possible is good manners, and more than that: it can also be an indicator of your personality. According to The Emily Post Institute (2023), doing so is a sign of both gratitude and courtesy. It also demonstrates that you care about both the lender and the trust they demonstrated by lending you the item.
Speaking calmly during minor conflicts
I have watched how my colleague holds his complete cool while someone else is blowing up. He never shouts; he slows his speech and softens his voice. And the tensions evaporate almost immediately. Research at UC Berkeley shows that this type of response earns trust and respect. It is the underappreciated but effective form of politeness.
Letting others merge or cross first
Helping someone by holding back your turn in a crowd has unexpected consequences for those around you. Waiting a little while and not losing your temper helps soothe others. Recent research has shown that small random acts of kindness in public can have a positive effect on the whole group.
Giving full attention while someone talks
We’ve all experienced it: someone starts talking to you while only half-listening. They stare off, their responses come a beat late. Now picture the opposite. You talk to someone and they turn to you. Lock eyes, nod and wait you out. That’s what full attention feels like. And there’s a psychological reason for it. Research shows those little cues tell your brain you’re welcome in that space.
Sources: Please see here for a complete listing of all sources that were consulted in the preparation of this article.
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