The most challenging warning signs from toxic men don’t arrive sounding threatening, but instead, they seem so ordinary that it becomes easy to brush them off entirely.
The built-in excuse
The first few times you hear someone say, ‘You know what I’m like,’ it sounds almost playful. Maybe he’s late again, and maybe he snapped at you. But then you might notice that he keeps using the phrase whenever he does something he knows bothers you.
He’s using it as a shortcut to say, ‘This is just me, deal with it.’ He’s not willing to change, even though he clearly recognizes his own flaws. No, he’d much rather use his personality as a permanent excuse, and there’s no reason for him to change.
Care that comes with rules
It might seem sweet when a guy tells you, ‘I’m doing this because I care about you.’ But it’s not. He’s probably saying it after controlling you in some way, or asking you about where you are and who you’re with.
He’s using his ‘care’ for you as justification for his behavior. Turns out, caring about someone and supervising them aren’t really the same thing. Controlling behavior dressed up as concern is still controlling, no matter how much nicer it may seem.
Permission with a catch
‘Do whatever you want.’ It’s a sentence that’s supposed to give you freedom, except you probably know immediately that there’s a wrong way to do things and a right way to do them.
He’s technically giving you the choice, sure. But he’ll go cold and act irritated, maybe even sulk, when you choose the option that he didn’t like. He gave you permission to make your own decisions, yet he really wanted you to choose the option that benefited him. Any sense of freedom comes with a bill.
The apology detour
An apology that never actually apologizes is a little impressive. You know the kind, it’s where he says something like, ‘I’m sorry you feel that way,’ and he comes across as polite. Listen more closely to what he’s saying, though.
He’s not admitting to actually doing anything wrong, and he’s a lot more focused on your reaction as the issue. The conversation centers on you being upset. What happened five minutes earlier doesn’t count, and he’s deliberately taken a detour to avoid responsibility.
Reassurance after the fact
Hearing, ‘You know I’d never hurt you,’ does seem pretty reassuring. But then you end up thinking about how you’re already hurt. He’ll reassure you that he never meant to hurt you when he yelled in your face or humiliated you.
The truth is, he wants you to pay attention to his intentions instead of what just happened, even though he did actually want to hurt you. Actions still count. It doesn’t matter whether someone gives them a nicer description afterward because these actions still hurt.
Tradition with conditions
Here’s a tricky one. Saying, ‘I’m old-fashioned about relationships’ could mean that he likes opening doors and paying for dinner. That’s fair enough. It could also mean that he gets the final say and sees your male friends as a problem.
It could justify believing that your clothes and whereabouts need his approval, when really, they don’t. Put it this way. Old-fashioned can be a preference, yes, but it can also become a way for him to enforce one-sided rules. That’s never okay.
The disclaimer before the jab
A guy says ‘I’m not trying to start anything…’ and you can almost hear the argument coming. He’ll probably follow it up with a question like, ‘…but who was that guy?’ He hasn’t accused you of anything technically. But practically speaking, it’s a different story.
He knows he’s going to create conflict, so he’s pretending that he was only making an observation. Sure. Manipulation and deliberate undermining are both forms of toxic behavior. No matter how many disclaimers he gives, he’s not canceling out the jab.
Suspicion without an accusation
There’s nothing to argue with when he says, ‘I’m just saying how it looks.’ At least, that’s what he wants you to think. He hasn’t directly accused you of cheating or anything, but he has noticed that you got home late and that some guy keeps liking your photos.
It forces you to start explaining perfectly ordinary things. He didn’t directly ask you to explain them, however. A guy who uses a line like this is trying to make his observations seem like the norm. He wants you to listen to him because, well, it’s what everybody would think.
The permanent cutoff
The most confusing part of the line, ‘Once I’m done with someone, I’m done,’ is that it sounds so reasonable. You might hear him say it when he’s talking about an ex he hasn’t spoken to in six years. But think about it this way.
That line is a sign that he’s not interested in trying to make amends with people when a relationship goes sour. He really doesn’t care about repairing things whatsoever. No, for him, the relationship is done, and there’s nothing more to it.
The permanent trust exemption
Being a little wary after you’ve been cheated on is totally normal. You’d probably expect some baggage there. But it’s not okay when a guy says, ‘I’ve been cheated on before, so I have trust issues,’ and uses it to justify everything.
He’s using his past to excuse why he wants your phone password and why he needs to know who’s at dinner. He wants to rationalize why he checks your location. You deserve to have privacy and boundaries in your relationship. It’s as simple as that.
Sources: Please see here for a complete listing of all sources that were consulted in the preparation of this article.
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