Last night I was hanging out with a small group of friends and the conversation eventually moved to things we have learned the hard way. I found this to be one of those things that started out as small talk, but eventually led to some very real and honest conversation. Each person had a story, some were sad, some were humorous and some were just quietly authentic.
At the end of our conversation we had come up with a list that was real and worth writing down. The following are the ten things we shared, all things we had learned the hard way, but are still good to know.
Not everyone will give back the same kind of love you give them
At some point, you figure out that not everybody loves like you do. You can be there for people over and over and over and it never matters.
It stings, there’s no use denying it. But once you learn this, it transforms the way you love. You stop giving hoping to get something in return. You just give because you feel in your heart that it’s the right thing to do.
Time really doesn’t heal everything, it just changes how it hurts
We like to think time heals all wounds, but some cuts are far too deep. Time doesn’t heal wounds. Time numbs them. The pain lessens, but it never really goes away. Acceptance, not time, is what can truly help us heal.
Working hard isn’t the same as being valued
Hard work doesn’t always come with credit. Even if you go the extra mile, sometimes nobody will notice it. It’s sad but also liberating when you get it.
Your goal shouldn’t be to get praise. It should be to take pride in your work while also knowing where to draw the line between dedication and self-sacrifice.
Closure doesn’t come from other people
You can wait for explanations or apologies for years, but most of the time, you will never get it. The uncomfortable truth is that closure is not something that people give you; it’s something you give yourself.
Letting go without having all the answers is one of the most uncomfortable but liberating things you will ever do.
Not every friendship is meant to last
Friends just drift apart sometimes. No one is right or wrong or bad, you just go in different directions. People change and time runs out. It’s just life.
It can be sad and heavy when you lose them, but there is a valuable lesson in it. Time spent together in the past is not enough to secure a relationship.
Saying nothing can be more powerful than defending yourself
It’s so easy to want to correct someone who has misheard or misinterpreted you. Early on, silence seems like defeat, like allowing yourself to be ignored.
But eventually, you realize that your silence defends more than it costs you. Quietly walking away without making your point can be a small victory.
You can’t save people who don’t want to be helped
You can try to save others, but some are not ready to be saved. You can call, listen, help and care as much as you want. But if they are not taking it, nothing will improve.
This is a difficult but important lesson most of us learn the hard way: set your boundaries and take care of your emotional energy.
You’re not lazy, you’re just burnt out
Some days are just like that, don’t you think? Everything is heavy and there is no motivation.
You can blame laziness all you want, but more often it is just because you are tired from carrying so much. Learning to rest without feeling guilty is one of the most valuable lessons you will ever learn.
Sometimes the right thing feels awful in the moment
Doing the right thing never feels good at first. Quitting a job, breaking up with a partner, walking away from a situation that’s not serving you, all of these things make you feel like a failure. It’s painful, but the pain is temporary.
You must go through it, however. Afterward, when you look back, you understand how that moment of pain became the first step towards your freedom.
You’ll never feel fully ready for the big things
You could wait forever for the “right time” and find that it never comes. You’ll always be a little bit unsure when you begin something big.
Achieving success requires more than bravery because bravery alone does not lead to achievement. Courage is something you acquire by acting, not waiting. And the most shaky hands often become the most certain.
