There was this guy in college I used to know. He seemed like the nicest person when I first started hanging out with him. He’d invite me out to do things all the time and if I was working on a class project, he’d volunteer to help. He also came across as really friendly and sincere, which made it hard to believe that he was anything but a good person.
However, there were subtle red flags over time. I’d notice him making cutting remarks if we were out somewhere with other people or he’d frequently bail on plans at the last minute.
At first, I convinced myself that I was overthinking things, but eventually I realized there really was a pattern to this guy’s behavior. His nice side was for everyone to see, but his mean side was like a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
If you have someone like this in your life, you know how confusing it can feel. Here are 11 common behaviors that often appear in people who seem kind but are secretly mean.
Backhanded Compliments
Backhanded compliments are a sneaky way for someone to hide their mean side behind what sounds like a nice remark. They might say something like, “you’re so brave to wear that outfit” or “you’re really smart, for someone who didn’t go to college.”
At first, it seems like they’re being kind, but there’s always a hidden insult that makes you feel small or judged. It’s a way for them to put you down without being openly mean.
Frequent Gossiping
Friendly and conversational, these people are often willing to talk about others, both badmouthing and showing concern, probably at the same time. They are known to say things such as: ‘I’m just worried about them, don’t you think that’s strange that they’re doing this?’
The flow of concern for others often turns into a stream of information, and people find themselves sharing more than they originally intended.
Overly Sarcastic Comments
It can appear playful, but sarcastic comments are often a sneaky way for someone to hide criticism.
‘Oh, of course, because how else would we ever do anything?’ or ‘Nice of you to make time for me in your busy schedule at the last minute.’
It’s hard to call out this kind of remark without making the responder feel oversensitive.
Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Rather than speaking honestly, they express their dissatisfaction indirectly. They ‘forget’ to reply to messages, take little digs at you, or make promises and ‘forget’ to follow through on them. They may say things like, ‘I didn’t think you were ever going to come out with me.’
The passive-aggressive person makes sure everyone around them recognizes that they are angry, without actually being angry.
Fake Empathy
A textbook fake empath might say something such as: ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that,’ which feels on the surface like true emotional support, but it quickly becomes evident that it’s empty.
This person may feign empathy, but there’s no real willingness to offer material support, like being available for deep talks, thinking of thoughtful gifts or even sending a message to help you feel less alone.
Constantly Giving Unsolicited Advice
Fake nice people offer fake help, when they actually mean to prescribe how you should live your life. They can say things like, ‘If I were you, I’d do it this way’ or ‘Really, you should consider doing this.’
Advice from these people becomes more about assertion of control or status and leaves others feeling that their choices aren’t good enough.
Undermining Success
When someone gets a work promotion, a birthday present, a holiday or a special meal, fake nice people respond with comments such as, ‘Oh, is that all?’ or ‘It’s not that big of a deal’ or ‘I’m sure anyone could get that raise.’
Instead of showing others that they are proud of them, these close outsiders make comments that subtly undermines what the other person has accomplished.
Subtle Manipulation
It’s deceptive because they pretend to be advocates when they steer others towards decisions that suit their own purposes: ‘I just want the best for you,’ they’ll say, while their suggestions and hints always seem to guide you towards actions that favor them.
Appearing to genuinely care while subtly controlling others’ choices makes them selfish and manipulative.
Fake Friendliness in Public, Coldness in Private
They might be outwardly warm and sociable, laughing and chatting with almost anyone they meet. But in private they might be withering, frosty or simply negative. Their capacity to be ‘on’ in one place and hostile in another is puzzling.
Dismissive Responses to Others’ Problems
When others speak of their struggles, they brush it off with comments such as ‘You’ll get over it,’ rather than being willing to help or listen.
Instead of demonstrating support, they put up a roadblock by conveying that the other person’s problem doesn’t matter and that they won’t show up in a meaningful way when needed.
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