As a parent, it is easy to lose track of the fact that your adult children are no longer the little ones who had looked up to you for advice & guidance. You will always love them but just like everything else in life & nature, your relationship with them might change with time.
When these kids are all grown-ups, what you say to them, even with good intentions, can have a lasting impact on how close you remain to each other. Sometimes certain things you say may feel like judgment or criticism & drive them away instead of letting you closer. So, if you want to strengthen your relationship & prevent unnecessary friction, just talk wisely & kindly.
Now, let’s look at 10 things you should not say to your adult children.
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Criticizing Their Life Choices
You’d love to talk about where your children are, what they’re doing or even what they do when they have time. But telling them you don’t like it — or trying to steer them away from a decision — can be controlling. Adult children respect their autonomy & might interpret these remarks as a mistrust of their judgment. Instead, be curious & hopeful, ask questions & celebrate their decisions — even if they don’t go exactly according to your plans.
Comparing Them to Others
Whether it is siblings, friends or colleagues — comparing your child to others can undermine their self-esteem & make them feel like a failure. Everyone has a path & talent. By emphasizing their individual strengths & achievements, you demonstrate that they’re appreciated for who they are, not how they fit in with others.
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Bringing Up Past Mistakes
We all make mistakes & your child probably has made some too. Always reminding them of their past mistakes – whether it’s a relationship, money decision, opportunity or failure – can cause them to get caught up in a situation they’re trying to overcome. Just be thankful for how far they’ve come & forget the past.
Prying Into Their Personal Relationships
Questions about their partner, dating life or why they’re not married can feel intrusive & judgmental. Things are very personal in relationships & not everyone feels they can divulge everything. Even well-intentioned things like “When will you settle down?” can overwhelm them. Leave room for them to speak about their own life, however they want.
Critiquing Their Parenting
And, if your adult children have kids, please don’t be so quick to criticize them for their parenting. And saying “That’s not how I brought you up” or giving free advice on discipline, habits or education can come off as patronizing. We all would love to share our experiences, but it is much more useful to just listen & support.
Pushing Your Expectations
Comments like “I thought you’d be married by now, or ‘I expected you to have a bigger job” sound dismissive. It’s true that parents often have dreams for their kids, but sometimes sharing them can make children feel like they’re falling short. Instead, try to appreciate where they are in life now & what they’ve accomplished.
Mentioning Financial Help Again & Again
Reminding your adult children constantly of how much you paid for their education, or for their upbringing can make them feel guilty. They will also get the feeling that the bond you share is conditional. Do not let your financial contributions determine your relationship with them.
Commenting on Appearance
Comments about weight, clothing, or grooming may seem harmless, but they can be deeply hurtful. Even silly comments, such as “You’ve gained a little weight” can evoke insecurities or hurt self-confidence. Rather, keep it light-hearted & compliment their personality, accomplishments, or non-physical characteristics.
Downplaying Their Struggles
Statements like “I had it so much harder when I was your age” can dismiss their experiences & make them feel unsupported. Every generation is different & faces a unique set of challenges. So, it’s important to acknowledge their struggles without minimizing them.
Pressuring Major Decisions
Whether buying a house, having kids, or changing careers, major life choices are utterly personal. Saying things like “You should get your act together” or “I think you are a bit off” can feel overbearing. You might have your opinions, but allow your kids to make decisions about the best things for their lives.
Disclaimer: This list is solely the author’s opinion based on research and publicly available information.
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