Some of the most harmful behaviors are the ones that people don’t always recognize at first, and it’s only much later that you realize you were being treated awfully.
The moving ground
Everything seems fine one day, but the next, you’re getting short answers and strange silences. They give you a completely different version of the relationship, despite the fact that nothing has officially changed. It leaves you unsure of what’s going on.
That sort of behavior is a form of gaslighting, as they’re making you wonder whether you’ve done something wrong or whether you imagined the whole change. You never know where you stand with them, and they know that. That’s what they’re hoping for.
The one-way rulebook
It’s funny how the rules always seem fair when they first announce them. They tell you not to spend too much and not to disappear for hours. Fair enough. But somehow, one person keeps getting a special exemption from these rules, and it’s not you.
Yes, they’re allowed to do the thing, but you can’t. Perhaps they have a reason why their behavior is justified. Having rules in a relationship isn’t exactly a problem. But it’s a different story when the rules technically apply to everyone, yet they only ever restrict you.
The sudden calm
You might notice that they act in a very particular kind of calm way after they’ve pushed your buttons. They deliberately annoy you until you finally snap and raise your voice. Then their behavior changes. Now, they’re collected, and now, they’re formal.
Now the whole conversation is about your reaction, and they deny any wrongdoing the entire time. It can look incredibly convincing from the outside. But there’s no excuse for them to ignore the part that happened before the outburst.
The disappearing certainty
Harmful people have a strange relationship with certainty. They make other people feel as though being sure of yourself is a form of arrogance. For example, you say ‘That happened,’ and then it becomes ‘I think that happened.’ Eventually you say, ‘Maybe I remembered it wrong.’
They’ve done that to you deliberately. Such a change tends to happen so slowly that it barely registers, but it does happen. They challenge your memory and change the subject. Soon enough, your confidence is swapped out for checking and rechecking.
The vanishing deal
It doesn’t matter that you remember the conversation and you remember where you were. Your memory of the exact words isn’t important either. No, the agreement you had mysteriously disappears because the agreement stopped benefiting them.
The agreement has become ‘not what I said’ and ‘not what I meant.’ Perhaps they’ll rely on the typical comment, ‘You assumed that.’ Forgetting things is completely normal, of course. But it’s a little suspicious when their memory failure apparently keeps showing up when the agreement’s inconvenient for them.
The decision deadline
Some people act as though you’ve got to make a decision right now. Not tomorrow, and not after dinner, but right now, while you’re emotionally overwhelmed. They force you to make a choice when you’re already crying and angry, maybe when you’re exhausted, too.
There’s a reason for that. Yes, they’re trying to push you into choices that aren’t in your interests, and they’re preying on you while you’re vulnerable. They might also be hoping you lash out. That way, they have proof that you’re not stable enough to make decisions on your own.
The hidden price tag
A favor is supposed to be a favor, but you might recognize that some people don’t treat it that way. They use generosity to create debt that neither of you ever agreed to. In other words, they’ll keep saying things like, ‘After everything I’ve done for you,’ and bring up how you owe them.
Dinner stops being dinner, and a ride stops being a ride. They’re using these gifts and ‘selfless’ actions to manipulate you. The truth is, generosity should never become a bill that’s forced upon you, and it’s a bad sign when that happens.
The perfectly timed crisis
You have somewhere to be and something to do. But for some reason, a disaster seems to happen during that exact moment. They keep creating emergencies right when your attention is elsewhere, and they’re things that apparently can’t survive until tonight.
It’s not a big deal if it happens one time. We all have those kinds of days. But when it happens three, four, five times, then something else is going on, and you can’t simply write it all off as plain old terrible luck.
The cost of speaking up
You might’ve started the conversation by asking them why they lied about something, but somehow, it ends with you being the one apologizing. It’s a pretty impressive kind of conversational gymnastics, really.
They’re trying to make holding them accountable feel dangerous, so you start avoiding it entirely. Yes, they want to seem like they’re the one who has been terribly wronged. Not you. This kind of behavior is what researchers call DARVO, or denial, attack, and reversal of victim and offender. It’s not good.
The conversation in your head
Harmful people aren’t going to start with, ‘Don’t ever say that again.’ At least, they’re not usually going to start that way. They’ll punish certain topics with sulking or ridicule, maybe even coldness, and then act perfectly normal when you avoid those topics next time.
They do it again and again. Once it happens enough times, they’ve essentially taught you the rules of the relationship without writing any of them down. It’s very useful for them, and they barely have to react anymore.
Sources: Please see here for a complete listing of all sources that were consulted in the preparation of this article.
If you grew up hearing these 14 phrases, your mother might have been emotionally harmful
Some of the most emotionally harmful forms of parenting don’t always sound cruel at the time, but they’re disguised as guilt or concern, maybe even love.
If you grew up hearing these 14 phrases, your mother might have been emotionally harmful
