Good parenting is not perfect parenting; it’s about allowing your child to grow in their own time and be who they are meant to be.
Uncool shield
They didn’t care if they were the bad guys sometimes.
If you wanted out, they’d make it painless, just pointing the finger at themselves. They didn’t care about looking authoritative or lame in front of your friends, and they never played popularity contests with you.
Above all else, they wanted to offer you an escape route from anything that felt off.
That way you never felt pressured into trying to please everyone. You learned that sometimes doing what’s right isn’t popular and can make you stand alone.
Open growth
They allowed you to see that they were still learning, too. They never pretended to have all of the answers or life figured out.
They would occasionally say that they were scared about something or working on breaking a bad habit.
You watched them struggling and growing, not just flourishing. Because of this, you never felt like you had to have things figured out by a certain age. It took the pressure off of growing up.
The hard way
Your parents didn’t run to your school when you forgot your lunch, or you missed the bus because you stayed up too late playing video games.
Allowing you to feel hungry or tired from bad decision-making, they taught you that your actions carry real-life consequences that no one is going to solve for you.
This is what psychologists call an “internal locus of control”: believing you’re in charge of your own destiny.
Treated you equal
When parents take the time to explain to you the reasoning behind their rules, instead of making you accept “because I said so,” they were speaking to you like a rational human being.
Good parents even include you in many discussions about how the household runs. From the family budget to where you’ll be living next, great parents let you in on what’s going on.
This gives kids a logical understanding of the world and helps them feel like they truly belong in the family.
Said “I’m sorry”
Humility isn’t always something you see from parents when they look at their children.
However, truly great parents aren’t afraid to own up to their mistakes, maybe by saying, “I’m sorry, I lost it, and yelling wasn’t fair.”
Seeing you own up to your mistakes shows the kids that it’s alright to mess up sometimes.
That’s emotional intelligence.
Life outside of kids
Wait, doesn’t that sound selfish? No, it never felt selfish because your parents didn’t make you the center of their universe.
The best parents had interests and activities that didn’t revolve around the kids. They also had things they did, just the two of them.
Maybe it was date night, maybe Sunday Funday, or maybe it was both of them quietly reading a book after dinner.
You knew they existed outside of being mom and dad. And, trust me, that matters.
No easy living
Rather than presenting a flawless facade, good parents showed you the truth.
They let you see them struggle to pay bills on time and how to fix a running toilet. They probably let you help them with menial tasks, not out of punishment but to show you what adulthood is truly like.
That helped you avoid the “failure to launch” trap, since the first taste of adult independence can be a bit overwhelming.
You could challenge
While contradicting your parents was considered disrespectful in most households, great parents let you form your own opinions, even if they differed from theirs.
They argued with you over dinner or asked you to consider your view point instead of dismissing you.
Because of this you grew into an adult who could stand up for what you believe in at work and in your relationships later in life.
Calm in failure
The moment that really stays with you is not when you receive an award. It’s when you fail.
You fail a test. You break a rule. You do something you knew was wrong. And instead of yelling, they pause.
They look you in the eye. You could see their disappointment, but they didn’t voice it in a harsh way. It’s quieter than that.
The whole mood is altered by what happens then. You don’t feel like your world is ending. You just feel like something happened that needs to be fixed.
Love without pressure
Okay, so every parent says how many sacrifices they made for the kids at least once in their lifetime to get their kid to do something. But some parents didn’t play the emotional debt card.
They did something for you because they wanted to, not because they could remind you of it later when they wanted something from you.
This meant you never had to grow up with a guilt complex or feeling like you owe them your entire career choice.
No sides
Good parents never pulled you into their squabbles. When they had issues with each other or other adults, they left you out. You weren’t recruited to choose sides or show who you loved more.
As a result you didn’t have to deal with other people’s drama. You got to simply be a kid. You didn’t feel responsible to try and fix things either.
Quiet pride
Your parents didn’t boast about your accomplishments to show off to people.
Of course, they’d celebrate your wins, like a good grade or a trophy. But, it wasn’t a spectacle put on for the whole block.
You never felt like your life was a showcase. And you never got the sense that a failure on your part would mortify them in front of their friends.
Your voice
When something went sideways, they didn’t immediately intervene. You had to ask for the fork that was missing, give a reason, and manage it yourself.
They weren’t there in front of you. They were beside you. They were behind you, just like a safety net.
It was weird at first. Soon enough, though, finding your voice became second nature.
Sources: Please see here for a complete listing of all sources that were consulted in the preparation of this article.
