Each day, we hear things that seem harmless but may actually make us doubt ourselves, usually because these words subtly cause us to question our memories or feelings. It’s the phrases that we don’t always notice that tend to hurt us the most and these words make us second-guess what’s real. Here are twenty common sayings that could be subtle forms of gaslighting. Using them doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a gaslighter—but you might want to be wary of doing so.
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“That’s not how it happened.”
When someone tells you, “That’s not how it happened,” they’re denying your version of events and deliberately ignoring your perspective to insist that your memory is wrong. This will make you feel confused and unsure about what really took place—even if you’re certain about your recollection. They might be trying to rewrite history to avoid taking responsibility and it’s rather unsettling to have someone question your reality like this.
“If you cared about me, you’d do this.”
The phrase, “If you cared about me, you’d do this” puts pressure on you by questioning your feelings and it suggests that if you don’t do what the other person is asking, you don’t genuinely care. It guilt-trips you into doing something you’re not comfortable with and it’s a rather manipulative way to get you to act against your own wishes. Anyone who says this is trying to make your actions connected to your care for them—they’re using your emotions to their advantage.
“I guess I can’t do anything right.”
Another way that a gaslighter will make you feel guilty is by saying, “I guess I can’t do anything right,” which makes you feel bad for bringing up an issue—as if you’re criticizing everything they do. They’re making themself seem like a victim so they’re not accountable for their mistakes. You might end up comforting them instead of resolving the issue and that’s not how things should be.
“You’re too sensitive.”
Saying “You’re too sensitive” is a way of dismissing your feelings by suggesting you’re overreacting and it implies that the problem isn’t their words or actions. Instead, it’s your response that’s causing problems and this will make you doubt whether your emotions are valid. They want to shut down the conversation & avoid addressing the real issue—over time, such behavior makes you hesitant to express how you feel.
“I never said that.”
Denying having made a statement with a phrase like, “I never said that,” is quite unsettling and especially when you remember it clearly, which causes you to question your memory. You start wondering if you might have misunderstood or misheard—that’s what the other person wants because they’re avoiding taking responsibility for their words. Doing so destroys your trust in your own mind and makes you feel uncertain, even though the other person is actually trying to cover up something they regret.
“You’re imagining things.”
Telling you, “You’re imagining things,” is a way to undermine your own view of reality and it suggests that what you experienced didn’t actually happen, despite the fact that it did. It’s a classic gaslighting phrase that makes you doubt your own senses & judgments. You’ll begin feeling like you’re losing touch with reality, which is very disorienting and harmful to your self-confidence.
“Everyone agrees with me.”
Claiming that other people are on their side with the saying, “Everyone agrees with me,” adds pressure to the conversation and it creates the impression that you’re alone in your viewpoint. You’ll begin to feel isolated & less confident about your stance, which is exactly what the other person wants—even though they might not even have spoken to others. They’re simply using this phrase to sway you and make you feel like people are ganging up on you without any actual backup.
“It’s not a big deal.”
The saying, “It’s not a big deal,” is one that gaslighters will use to minimize the importance of something that matters to you, which also makes your feelings seem wrong. It suggests that you’re making a fuss over nothing and this discourages you from expressing any other worries in the future—but your feelings are important. Being told otherwise is hurtful, so you should remember that saying this phrase is a sign that they’re trying to downplay the issue to avoid dealing with it.
“You’re overreacting.”
Anyone who accuses you of overreacting is trying to shift the focus from their behavior to your response—this also downplays the issue you’re raising and makes it seem unimportant. Eventually, you’ll choose not to bring up problems in the future because you’ll think that your concerns simply aren’t valid. The gaslighter wants to deflect criticism & make you feel like you’re at fault, allowing them to avoid responsibility completely by putting it back on you.
“Stop being so dramatic.”
Likewise, you may also hear people saying things like, “Stop being so dramatic,” as a way to dismiss your feelings outright. It suggests that you’re exaggerating the situation, which makes you feel belittled and reluctant to share your emotions again. They’re preventing you from communicating openly ever again because you become worried that you’re overblowing things, regardless of whether you actually are.
“You always twist things around.”
A classic gaslighting phrase is, “You always twist things around,” because it indicates that you’re misrepresenting the situation, which helps the gaslighter to shift the blame. It also makes it harder to address the real issue and this could make you feel both frustrated & unheard. The other person wants to deflect attention from their actions—doing so makes resolving any issues that you have much more difficult.
“I’m sorry you feel that way.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way” might sound like an apology but it doesn’t acknowledge any wrongdoing and, in fact, it puts the emphasis on your feelings rather than their actions. You’ll feel dismissed & unsatisfied because the other person wants to avoid saying a genuine sorry. It’s enough to make you feel like they’re not taking your concerns seriously.
“You shouldn’t feel that way.”
Telling someone how they should or shouldn’t feel is just mean and that’s exactly what the saying “You shouldn’t feel that way” tries to do. It gaslights the other person into thinking that their feelings are inappropriate, which is just as hurtful & confusing as it sounds. Everyone has a right to their feelings—being told otherwise may be incredibly damaging and all it does is shut down the conversation.
“You’re just insecure.”
Someone who blames your concerns on your insecurities with the saying, “You’re just insecure,” is someone who is trying to gaslight you, as they want you to think the issue is with you—not with their behavior. They don’t care about your feelings and would rather make you doubt yourself instead because it takes the heat away from them. As such, it’s no wonder that you’ll likely feel undermined after hearing this and experience a blow to your self-esteem.
“Nobody else would feel this way.”
Many gaslighters thrive on isolating their victim and telling them, “Nobody else would feel this way” is one of the ways that they do this. Such a saying suggests that your reactions are unusual and could make you feel like you don’t have a right to your emotions. The goal is to make you question your perspective by making you feel alone in your feelings, which is rather discouraging.
“Why are you making this about you?”
“Why are you making this about you?” is another way to put the focus on you when you’re worried about something and it implies that you’re being selfish or self-centered, stopping you from sharing your thoughts. They don’t want to address the issue and would prefer to avoid having any communication at all. Essentially, they’re making you feel guilty for bringing up your feelings so they’re able to sidestep the real problem and avoid resolving it.
“You made me do it.”
Blaming you for their actions removes their responsibility and suggests that their behavior is your fault—so they’ll say, “You made me do it” to do exactly that. Everyone is responsible for their own actions, yet they’re trying to justify their behavior by shifting the blame onto you. Such a tactic makes you feel guilty for something you didn’t cause and could make you question your own actions by making you wonder if you really did provoke them.
“I was just trying to help.”
A lot of gaslighters will use “I was just trying to help” after upsetting you because it helps them dismiss your feelings and indicates that your negative reaction isn’t justified—their intentions were good. Of course, this ignores the impact of their actions and the fact that good intentions don’t erase hurtful outcomes. You shouldn’t allow them to portray this supposed helpfulness or sidestep the truth that they caused you harm.
“You take things too personally.”
When someone says, “You take things too personally”, they’re downplaying your feelings and hinting that you’re overly sensitive, implying that the issue isn’t with what they did but with how you’re reacting. You may start holding back your feelings to avoid being labeled “too sensitive,” and this will hurt your confidence over time. Just remember—everyone has a right to their feelings and that includes you.
“Let’s just forget about it.”
Saying, “Let’s just forget about it” is a way to skip over the problem without actually addressing it, leaving you feeling unheard and that your concerns aren’t important. It stops any real discussion from happening—so nothing gets resolved and all the issues are swept under the rug. Instead, you have to address any problems that arise so that they don’t keep causing trouble.
Disclaimer: This list is solely the author’s opinion based on research and publicly available information.
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