I will never forget the moment when my ex-boyfriend suggested a road trip for the weekend to a few quirky little towns that he’s liked for many years. “Are you serious?” I said. To this his smile turned into a dejected “no”. It wasn’t an effort to patronize him; but we’ve all been in those situations where we realize we’ve accidentally hurt someone through a poorly chosen word. Even the most well-meaning comment can be misunderstood.
Let’s have a look at 10 such common phrases that can make you sound condescending.
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“Actually…”
Starting a sentence with “actually” can come off as if you’re correcting someone, even if that’s not your intention. It has a vibe of “Let me give you the real info” or “You might not know this, but…”. If you’re just sharing what you know, it might be better to skip “actually” and try saying, “I’ve heard that…” or “From what I know…”. This way, you’re still sharing information but in a way that feels less bossy or corrective.
“It’s Not That Complicated”
This can sound like you think they are wrong or dumb for thinking something is hard, when to them it actually is! You would be better off saying something like: “I know it can be hard – here’s how I understand it.” This pulls the conversation in a more supportive direction & avoids the “you are wrong to think it is hard” subtext. It acknowledges that things can be different for different folks, and avoids looking down.
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“It’s Common Sense”
To call something “common sense” is to say that you think anyone should be able to see that it is true, and if the other person disagrees, this can easily make them feel like dummies. You can make the same point – not about what is true, but about how you see things – while avoiding that effect with a phrase such as “One way of looking at it is…”
“I Thought Everyone Knew That”
This phrase can unintentionally alienate people by suggesting they’re out of the loop. It implies that the knowledge is so widespread that not knowing it makes them look uninformed. A more inclusive approach might be to say, “I just found out that…” or “Hey, did you know…?” This way, you’re sharing something interesting without making them feel left out or uninformed.
“I’ll Take Care of It”
Not that it’s always ill-intended but its implicit message is often: “I don’t think you can do this without my help.” In other words: “I don’t trust you to do this right.” Try: “I’ll be around to lend a hand” Or “Let me know if you want me to assist.”
“Calm down”
This phrase is akin to saying: “You shouldn’t be getting this worked up about it; you need to control yourself.” However, this rarely helps anyone calm down. So in response, it might be better to say: “I see this is important to you” or, “We can talk through this.” These responses neither sidestep nor dismiss whatever the person feels – they show empathy and show you’re ready to address what’s bothering them.
“If You’d Been Paying Attention…”
To say this makes it sound like you are accusing the person of not listening or not taking an interest enough – a little lecture. Instead of this, try either of these: “In case you missed it earlier…“ or “Just a quick recap to…” That’s friendlier. We are not blaming anyone. The conversation is more likely to roll along.
“I Don’t Mean to be Rude, But…”
Starting with this can often suggest that you’re about to say something unflattering (whether that’s the actual intent or not), effectively priming them to buckle mentally against whatever comes up. A more gentle approach could be, “Just to clarify, this might sound a bit harsh, but…“ or, “I just want to be clear…“
“Are You Serious?”
Asking this can sound a bit snarky or like you’re ridiculing their point, which can make them feel like you’re not taking them seriously if they were being sincere. A better move might be this kind of response: “Tell me more about that?“ or, “I didn’t know that – that’s interesting!”
“Whatever You Say…”
When uttered, this expression almost always comes across as you’re done debating or you’re just conceding because you don’t want to stoke more trouble into the discussion. I believe there’s also a sense of being passive-aggressive about it as if to say: “Ok, I’m over it – but only because I’m so frustrated with you.“
A better course of action would be: “Yeah, I can see your argument,“ or, if you want to find some way to end it amicably: “I guess we just have to agree to disagree.“ Both of these approaches demonstrate that you’re willing to respect someone’s point of view even if you don’t completely agree with them.
Disclaimer: This list is solely the author’s opinion based on research and publicly available information.
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