Letting go won’t be a simple straight shot, yet you can hasten the journey by breaking free from these mental prisons.
Kill the soulmate delusion
Sometimes we cling on because we convince ourselves that this person is “The one”.
Psychology calls this phenomenon “Confirmation bias”; mentally highlighting all the reasons they fit your ideal, while brushing off all the reasons you two are at odds.
Force yourself to come up with three things they do that make them completely incompatible with your life long happiness. Neuroscience actually has a term for dismantling false beliefs called “Cognitive reappraisal”.
Turns out, intentionally digging into your partner’s shortcomings is a remarkably effective strategy for lessening those feelings of connection.
No dopamine mining
Checking their Instagram story, reading their latest tweets, seeing they’re online on FaceTime, every time you subject yourself to these compulsions, your brain gets a little rush of dopamine.
This happens not because of anything they’re doing, but from the anticipation of possibly seeing them. It’s keeping your brain’s wanting centers exercised and fed.
Break-up brains don’t work well on willpower. You have to tear yourself away from social media the way you would any other substance abuse, recognizing that every time you check, you bring your sobriety clock back to zero.
Unfollow them. Block them. Or mute them so they literally can never pop up when you’re mindlessly scrolling.
Deconstruct who they are
You’re not in love with the person who is rejecting you now. You are in love with the idealistic person you’ve made them out to be in your mind.
It is called limerence. Crush it by making a note in your phone of every time they were dismissive, gave mixed signals, or made you feel bad.
Whenever you’re feeling nostalgic, open that bad boy up and read it to remind your brain that your fantasy soulmate would never make you feel this way.
Social snacking
When we hyper-focus on one person for validation, all of our relationship nutrients flow through them leaving us emotionally starving.
Social snacking is the practice of spending low pressure quality time with strangers, your barista, or that friend you lost touch with.
Remind your nervous system that there are humans all over that you can connect with. You’re not seeking a new lover, you’re just diversifying your love portfolio.
Research finds that the wider your support network, the less painful rejection feels, because your brain doesn’t view that person as your only option for survival.
Task-switching
It’s been scientifically proven that the harder you try not to think about something, the more you’ll think about it.
The next time you start obsessing about them, force your brain into doing complex mental tasks. What is the weather going to be like tomorrow? How many ounces are in a gallon? Googling the answers won’t count.
The more difficult these tasks are for you, the longer your brain will spend time in your prefrontal cortex (where the logical thinking happens) instead of your amygdala (where your emotions fuel obsessive thoughts).
Rearranging space
Have you ever noticed that certain songs, environments, or smells remind you of them? This is due to a phenomenon known as “Context-dependent memory.”
For instance, if you spent evenings on your bed, lost in thought about them while listening to their favorite songs, your mind will start linking your bed and that specific playlist with the desire to reconnect.
Break the association by changing your surroundings: rearrange your furniture, get some fresh bedsheets, get rid of all their pictures, and swap out your phone background for something entirely new.
The less your brain has physical reminders of them, the less likely you are to instantly think of them when you see those triggers.
Your next version
Ask yourself this: six months from now, will you be proud of how you handled this breakup?
And the next time you feel tempted to send that insecure text or look up where they are, ask yourself: “Will this make my life easier or harder six months from now?”
This out-of-body technique forces you to look at the situation as if someone else is going through it. It allows you to take care of your current self like it’s your job to do so.
Novelty therapy
Being sad and thinking about things we can’t change keeps our brain in a depressive state which causes low levels of serotonin.
Learning something new that wires fresh connections in your brain is the fastest route to boosting serotonin.
Sign up for that dance class you always wanted to take, learn to surf, or teach yourself how to build a computer.
The more challenging and new the task is for you, the less mental energy you have to obsess over the past.
Let it end
One reason we find it so hard to get over people is because we convince ourselves that they’re going to call us, text us, or apologize to us one day. And most of the time, they won’t.
The sooner you accept that their not wanting you in their life is all the closure you’ll ever need, the faster you will heal.
The “Zeigarnik effect” explains how our brains tend to hold onto unfinished tasks more firmly than those we’ve wrapped up. That’s why all of these unfinished relationships continue to plague us.
Make the decision that the story is over, even if the ending was less than tidy. Close the file in your mind and allow your subconscious to stop searching for an answer.
Sources: Please see here for a complete listing of all sources that were consulted in the preparation of this article.
