People usually panic when someone’s dealing with grief. And that means weird stuff comes out of their mouths. Usually, they mean well, but that doesn’t excuse how some of the stuff comes across. We spoke to a therapist who helps people deal with loss. Here are thirteen things they told us you should never say to someone who’s grieving. Have you heard these before at a tough time?
At least it was quick
Some people say this because they think it’s helpful. Like it’s somehow good news that the person died quickly. However, nobody’s looking for silver linings while they’re dealing with loss. It doesn’t matter if it was quick or slow, expected or random. It hurts just the same. Maybe you should just let them be sad.
You’re handling this so well
A saying like this sounds sweet. But it actually puts a lot of pressure on the other person. Why? Because it makes people feel like they have to keep being strong, even when all they want to do is cry. Let them do that.
I didn’t reach out because I didn’t know what to say
Yes, saying this is honest. Yet it also makes the grief about you and how you felt uncomfortable. Just imagine how the other person felt. Chances are, they were waiting on support that didn’t show up. Stop worrying about fumbling your words. You should just show up anyway because awkward care is better than no care.
At least you weren’t that close
People say this more than you’d think. It usually happens when people pass away who aren’t immediate family, even though “closeness” means more than time spent. You can grieve grandparents & estranged siblings. You can even grieve old friends you lost touch with. As such, bonds are personal, so don’t assume how someone should feel. Ever.
You’ve got to be strong for your kids
This one feels like advice. But it’s not great because you’re telling someone to hold it together while their heart’s breaking. And it’s all for the sake of appearances. The truth is that children don’t need perfect parents. They need real ones. Sometimes, being honest about sadness is the strongest thing you can do.
Let me know if you need anything
It doesn’t matter how polite you’re being when you say something like this. Most people won’t ask for help. Grief is exhausting & it messes with your brain. Really, the last thing anyone wants is to come up with a list of favors, so give them something specific. That’ll go down a lot better with them.
At least they’re not suffering anymore
Saying this isn’t all that comforting. In fact, it sounds like you’re trying to skip past the pain of losing someone. The person who passed may have been sick. They might’ve been in pain. But now? They’re gone & dealing with that loss hurts like a lot. People can be relieved and heartbroken at the same time. Let them be both.
They lived a long, full life
It might be true that the person who passed lived a long & healthy life. But saying it comes across as though you’re saying that they had their turn. Their age doesn’t matter. After all, it doesn’t mean people are ready to say goodbye, since grief doesn’t look at birth certificates before showing up. A long life or a short life isn’t important. Losing someone still hurts.
Maybe it’s for the best
This one never works, no matter how kindly you say it. Their death might be a blessing in some complicated way. However, nobody wants to hear that in the middle of mourning. The timing of when you say things matters. So does reading the room. As such, you need to make sure you do that first.
I know exactly how you feel
Most people have dealt with loss. But no matter how similar the loss was, everyone grieves differently. Telling someone you know how they feel pulls the focus away from them. You’re not giving them space. Instead, you’re making the conversation about you. Try telling them you understand what they’re going through & you’re there to listen. That’s much better.
Are you still not sleeping?
Some people ask a question like this with good intentions. Or curiosity. However, it’s loaded, as there’s no right answer to it. Should someone say they’re still a wreck? Should they say they’re sleeping fine? There’s no way to answer correctly. Grief affects your sleep & memory, even the food you eat. There’s no schedule for when it all goes back to normal. If it ever does.
Try to stay positive
This is by far one of the worst things you can tell someone. Telling someone to keep their chin up while their world is falling apart is a terrible idea. Grief isn’t a problem to solve. Instead, it’s something people have to live through, and there’s no way to put a happy spin on that. Doing so makes people feel even more alone.
You’ve gotta move on eventually
Grief doesn’t have an expiration date. So why pretend that it does? Some people have a weird idea that people should get over it by a certain point. That’s wrong. Grief can show up whenever it wants, and saying this is insensitive. The person you’re talking to may never move on. And that’s okay.
Like our content? Be sure to follow us.
