Even though they don’t mean to do it, a lot of adult children actually end up hurting their parents through a few little actions.
The quick call
Parents recognize when their adult children call them for one reason only. Sometimes, their children will call, and before the conversation’s even started, there’s a request attached. Can they watch the kids? Can they send money or a recipe?
It’s fine to have requests sometimes, of course, and most parents like helping. But they really don’t like it when it’s the only reason for calling. They’re not customer service workers. Sadly, some adult children are determined to treat them that way, instead of actual family.
The missing question
Then there are the adult children who do have a conversation. Or, at least, what they think is a conversation. They’ll talk for twenty minutes straight without ever asking a single question about their parents. It’s a monologue about their job drama. Then it’s about their annoying neighbor.
Before the parent has had a chance to say anything, the adult child says they’ve got to go. It doesn’t matter that the parent had a story to share, apparently. It’d be nice to be asked, ‘How are you?’ once in a while and, you know, for the adult child to genuinely mean it. But no.
The fast no
Parents try to give help all the time. They can’t help it. Unfortunately, not all adult children want to hear it, and they’ll try shutting it down immediately.
Parents ask whether their child has thought about doing things this way. No. They suggest doing something else. No.
Constantly getting rejected for your advice really hurts, especially when you’re a parent of adult children. You’re just trying to stay close with your kids. You’re not trying to control anything. But adult children don’t get that, and they keep saying ‘no’ like it’s okay. It’s not.
The calendar slot
Holidays sure can be weird sometimes. Yes, the visit did happen, but parents can tell when their kids actually want them to be there. They recognize when their kids are only inviting them out of habit. It hurts.
The difference is way too easy to spot. All that rushed coat-grabbing? The half-finished coffee and comments about how it’s time to leave? Parents see that. It really stings, feeling like you’re only there out of routine, not actual desire.
The changed plan
Canceling lunch once is fine. Twice, okay, maybe there was an actual reason. But three times? A fourth? It’s not right. A parent might’ve cleaned the kitchen and done some other chores to prepare, maybe put their own life aside. They have a life.
Sadly, not every adult child gets that. They act like their parents have no life, and that it’s totally okay to cancel on their parents last minute, again and again. That’s not fair. Soon enough, parents stop getting excited about their plans. Why bother?
The old room
It’s weird going back home. That’s a fact. But so many adult children forget how weird it is for their parents, too, to have their adult child come back home. It’s also strange when that adult child doesn’t behave like an adult.
No, they come back home with their laundry and an expectation that their parents will wash it. Don’t forget about the assumption that there’s a full fridge for them. It’s not right. Adult children shouldn’t come home and act like they’re in a hotel.
The open schedule
Some adult children seem to think their parents are always free. They’re retired, so they’re free. Home on a weekday? They’re free, too. They didn’t mention any plans, and that must mean there’s nothing on their schedule. Now, Mom or Dad is the backup babysitter.
They can be the delivery person and dog watcher as well. Most adult children’s parents are going to say anything. They love being needed. But at the same time, it stings when your child acts like you have no life at all and that you’re always free for them.
The little news
It’s not like you need an announcement for every update. That’s not realistic. However, parents still wish their adult children would fill them in on the little details. They want to know about the grandkid losing their tooth. They want to know the new paint color.
It really does hurt when you find that out through someone else. The little details matter. Learning about your child’s life through the grapevine makes you feel unimportant, like you’re not part of their circle. Ouch.
The running list
It doesn’t take long for a quick visit to become a home inspection report. Adult children don’t realize how rude they’re being. They’re ‘only’ pointing out the loose handle. They’re ‘only’ mentioning the messy drawer. It’s them being helpful, you know?
But it’s not exactly needed. Turning every conversation into a list of corrections and repairs hurts. It makes the parent feel like a project. They’re not really there. No, they’re just a piece of work that needs to be fixed, and that never feels good. Not at all.
The closed door
You’ll find some adult children are really determined to seem independent. That’s not always bad. But the ones who lock their parents out of everything, just so they don’t need them? It doesn’t feel good. These kids hire the sitter and Google the answer every time.
They reject any help. Independence is good, let’s get that straight. Nobody’s arguing against that. But when every offer gets turned down, it starts to make you feel like you’re not important anymore. You’re retired as a family member.
The other side
It starts slowly. The in-laws see the adult children for Sunday dinner because they only live ten minutes away. Then they also get to pick up the grandkids after school. Soon enough, the in-laws have replaced the adult child’s parents for everything.
The adult child’s parents only hear about it later. It’s not like anyone’s deliberately trying to pick favorites because, sometimes, that’s just how the cookie crumbles. It doesn’t make it hurt any less, though.
The tired sigh
Aging hurts. Adult children’s parents know that better than anyone because they’re the ones actually dealing with it. But their kids? They think it’s okay to sigh when Dad asks something again. They think it’s okay to get annoyed when Mom walks too slowly.
It’s not. Adult children’s parents wish their kids would give them a little grace with aging. They don’t want to feel like they’re holding everyone up. They already know it’s hard.
Sources: Please see here for a complete listing of all sources that were consulted in the preparation of this article.
